RIP Shane Part 2

To lose a child is simply not in the natural order of things. Death is never easy to deal with. We love our loved ones and it hurts when they leave this world to enter the eternal one. Some how though as we age, we know that sooner or later death is certain to come. So when our grand parents go, our parents even, we knew it was coming.

No amount of knowing can prepare you and yet somehow, some way it does make it bearable.

Tonight, when these two parents seen their son for the last time laying in that casket, well, it broke me.

It crushed me.

It opened something inside of me that I didn't know what there and it tore it apart. Pain ripped through me. Thoughts of every kind. Help them Jesus. Ease their pain. Oh God, I'm so glad it wasn't my child. What if it were. What would I do? How would I handle things.

The daddy, he trembled, he shook. He seen spots, he almost passed out. His family gathered around him and coached him and told him it would be okay. Really, I thought? Really? You have the audacity to stand there and say words to this man who just lost his only son to try and comfort him?

He groaned. "I want to go with him! I just want to go with him!" He cried. Me too I thought. Me too. If that were my baby laying there I'd want to go to.

The mom, barely holding it together herself, mustered enough strength to command her husband to sit up and breathe. They had a daughter to live for. They could do this.

Until they reached the casket.

They crumbled.

I've never in my life seen people break to core like this. They held their son, they yelled, they pleaded. They loved him so much. "He's cold. My baby is cold. Help me get him up. Help me get him out of here. I need to get him a blanket. Someone please! Help me y'all." His father cried. I trembled. I lost it. I went into that deep place that had been opened up and I hated it. What could I do, what could I say. How could I help?

"He's not here," I heard come out of my mouth, "He's with the Lord." Where did that come from? That reality that their son was gone on before them. He was with the Father. The realization sunk in. And yet I was so angry.

Why? Why did this have to happen. Why are there so many things we can't understand now. Why must we wait so long for answers. Will we ever get them?

Finally it was time to go. "Let me see my boy just one last time" they plead. God how could they endure. A family that has been through more tragedy in their lives than I've ever read in a novel. How did they keep their sanity.

Did they?

Or did they just exist now. Floating along in this place of numbness.

Will they ever recover?

Lord please, I pray, in Jesus precious name, strengthen them. Help them to keep their sanity. Amen.

 His sister at the memorial held the day before the funeral.

A Senior Class who lost a classmate that was loved by all. 

Life as we all know it will never be the same. 

Another memorial will be held tomorrow night 8/31/13 at 7pm at Dehart Park in Woolwine. Shane's ashes will be scattered among his friends and family. Please keep Patrick County in your prayers and especially the parents, sister, and family from this tragic loss. 

God be with us all. 

You Know Who You Are

I just thought I'd let you know that your blog posts have all been copied and printed. You also might like to know that what you posted about me on your Facebook was also copied and printed. You can hide all you want but we have evidence and proof. It's too late. The last eight years your actions, the pain you've caused to each one of your children will catch up to you. You are the one with a record a mile long. You are the one who is money hungry and steal from your own children. Everything you said about me was a lie and yet true about you. I am no hypocrite. I am real and I know my flaws. So do others that are a part of my life.

I know your mind is confused. Maybe once all of this is over you can finally get the help you need and someone can finally stop you from abusing your children. I just hope they can heal and recover from all you've done to them. The Lord knows, and He will prevail in this situation.

I feel so sorry for you. I'm not angry for me, but I am angry for those you've destroyed and those you are still trying to destroy. I'm praying for the Lord to help me deal with my emotions. It's hard to watch someone repeatedly do the same thing over for so long and never show any signs of repentance or change. Especially when they are hurting innocent children. Even though God does forgive us, when we are sincere in our repentance and turn from our sin and truly allow Him to change us, there are consequences for our actions . You haven't changed. You continue to blame everyone else when you alone are the sole cause of the situation at hand and those in the past. You'll have to realize that and accept it before you'll ever be able to move on. The one thing you never wanted was to be like your mother and yet you have allowed yourself to become the epitome of what she use to be. This battle isn't over. You may feel victorious today but this is a battle you will not win.

Hoping and praying you are well on your way to the beach. That'll be the greatest thing you could do for anyone in your family.

And I'm so glad I don't have to hide. You coward. All you have is mouth. I'm not one you want to reckon with. I will testify in court. I will not back down. I will fight for what is right for that 14 year old boy that you were too sorry to raise!

(If you feel that this relates to you then take it for what it's worth. There are no names here. My blog isn't to single anyone out. I take situations in my life and deal with them here. I have since 2007. This could apply to many in my life-it's not singled out to one family in general.)

Forgive Me

God never called us to attack others because of what they may or may not be doing right. It’s not our job to bring hatred to the world but rather to show people the love of Jesus. God is the judge, He will handle His business when it comes to humanity. We will all stand before Him one day. He doesn’t put a cap on His rule to “love others as yourself.” Whether you think what they are doing is the worst sin or not, you have no right to hate.

 ~Jesse Duplantis

I know that I should not voice all the ugly in my heart sometimes. So forgive me for my "People" post. "Father God please put that so innocent, so powerful, so sweet, pure love back into my heart. I know it comes only from You and I miss it. Lately things make me so angry. Remind me to bring them to You, so that You can fill me up with Your love and power that I may be able to in turn love those you place in path and DO something about the things that  You show me. In Jesus Name I Pray.  Jen" 

People

It's so hard for me to grasp some people. I'm sure these ramblings are completely irrelevant but today I will voice them just the same.

How can you abandon your children and not accept the blame for that? How can you stay in touch with your daughter's ex husband who cheated on and almost destroyed your daughter? Is it to pay her back? To hurt her because she doesn't want you in her life any longer? Does it make you feel better about your selfish decisions?

You leave behind a son who is almost 14 but can't read or even write his own name and no one can do anything to help him because you filed religious exemption in the state of VA before you abandoned your family.

Now you have yet another daughter who has a chance at a fresh start and you and your ex her own father are going to scream the C word to try and get her to stay. Parents are suppose to take care of their children not the other way around.

You're fake. You're selfish. You're a liar. You both are. This isn't judgement it's an observation. It's truth.

No one is perfect but to knowingly continue to hurt your children is dead wrong. Both of you should be ashamed.

I pray the Lord open up doors to take them all out of both of your lives for good. Both of you should stop threatening everyone with your sob suicide stories and grow up.

If you are reading this please pray for this family. It's hard being so close to these children and sit idley by while their parents mentally destroy them. Even though two of these kids are of legal age the abuse continues. My heart cry is for it to STOP!

Enough rant. Sigh........

(If you feel that this relates to you then take it for what it's worth. There are no names here. My blog isn't to single anyone out. I take situations in my life and deal with them here. I have since 2007. This could apply to many in my life-it's not singled out to one family in general.)

Battles

Sometimes it's so easy to forget how the battles come. Things are so good, life so sweet, and you get so wrapped up in enjoying every moment. I know I've been sharing lately about how the Lord is wooing me back to Him. It's hard to explain everything in a blog. We've been with two different churches and aren't attending anywhere right now. For me, it gets a little lonely and easier to stray. Last night I spent some time with the Lord, time in prayer, worshipping. It was so sweet. I have some things in my life I know I need to turn from and I do need to focus more on my relationship with the Lord and His plan for my life and my husband's. I pondered these things and I can feel the Lord changing the desires of my heart. I love how He does that. How he takes away the urges and breaks chains and sets you free.

Then today I found myself in the midst of a battle. It'd been so long since the devil contested me I'd forgotten how quickly your feet can be knocked out from under you. It was in that moment, that moment of weakness, frustration, anger, and surrender that I fell. I gave in. I didn't even think. I just threw my hands in the air in frustration and pulled into the gas station. Yes, I know that is vague. Just know, I pulled into the gas station for a reason and it wasn't gas.

I had to make myself breathe. I had to control my temper. It was so hard.

It was afterwards that I realized that it was a battle. I hadn't even fought in it. I just gave in. I just gave up.

I spent the ride home listening to my husband's bluegrass band, "Almost There" cd. I praised the Lord. I repented. I did what I could do. Then I gave the rest to Him.

When I got home my husband was the pillar of strength. He comforted me, held me, and reassured me that no matter what happened all would be well. I took a nice, long, hot bath.

I'm feeling much better now. Stronger.

I pray that I can recognize the battle coming the next time. That I can turn to the Lord earlier for His wisdom and His strength.

Right now though I'm thankful for His forgiveness, His mercy and His grace. What an awesome God I serve.

2 Corinthians 1:3 "Blessed be God, even the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies, and the God of all comfort."

Hard Things

You know, many things in life are hard. There are different kinds of hard too. Right now my hard thing is RN School. I'm flabbergasted. I'm overwhelmed.

I'm one month in. This week is my fourth week.

I had heard people speak of nursing school. I had heard their horror stories. I thought I had prepared. I was sure to take every single class I could ahead of time. I only have my nursing core left. I don't believe I'll be full-time but one semester in two years.

Boy was I wrong.

Since week one there has been this overwhelming pressure to perform. At first it was math tests. You have three chances or you're out. We lost several. I had to test 3 times. That 3rd time was so nerve wracking.

This week we begun real assessments. We had two today. I was so nervous I had sweat dripping from my nose and my eye lashes, continuously dripping. I'm still waiting for my grades.

I have a 6 chapter test on Wednesday.

I have a 9 or 10 chapter test on Thursday.

We will have 3 more assessments on Monday. Harder than those two we done today.

My back hurts. Really hurts. I didn't raise my bed high enough. I can barely stand. I'll never forget to raise the bed again, not EVER!

God had mercy on me by providing me with Tuesdays off. Thank-You Lord for that sweet day of mercy.

At one time I had said that if I didn't make it through this semester I would go back until I did.

Today I decided that isn't the case. If I fail my first semester I won't go back. I don't think I can live through it again! I won't quit. I'll give it my all. I know I CAN do HARD things. I just never dreamed it would be this hard. I pray I pass.

On the way home from my mom and dad's tonight and after many tears, all I could do was praise the Lord and thank Him for this beautiful night. The cool, crisp, fall air. The many, many stars in the sky. The praise and worship on the radio. Thank-You Lord for this break! Thank-You Lord for this peace, this beautiful world. This life. Life as I knew it before nursing school. :)

Thank-You for this opportunity in nursing school. You will be the ONLY thing that gets me through. It's only through Christ that I can do all things. I pray this is Your will. I have and will give it my all. My blood, sweat and tears. Your will be done.

In Jesus name I pray.

And I've only just begun. I've heard that slow and steady win the race. I won't give up. I will not quit.

Car Troubles

I was so hoping that my car would make it to 200,000 miles. It has 115,000 now and that would have meant that we'd be together for several more years. I bought it used and had to replace the transmission. I think I've had it four years or close to it anyway. I loved it. It's a older Chrysler Concord but let me tell you, she would fly. She handled great. Living up in these mountains, the back roads are pretty fun to drive on. I really loved the power she had because when I needed to get up and go, she got up and went. She started over heating two weeks ago. She had a small gas leak too. So, we put her in the shop hoping to patch her up. We got the call on Monday that she wasn't repairable. She is pouring water that may or may not be coming from the internal water pump. The cost to pull the motor and repair with such high chances that it may be something else makes it just not worth the money to fix her. The garage flat refused to even tackle her.

So, I'm car shopping.

I hate car shopping. I despise car sales men, well especially the finance guy. Why do they always have to be such bull dogs? I hate feeling pressured when making such a huge purchase. I don't even know what I want.

I'm just praying that the Lord bless us with a car. I pray He find favor upon us, that He guide, lead and direct us to the one He has for us.

I'll let you know what we finally get. We are paying off a few bills before we make the trip out.