Merry Christmas 2013!

I love how God changes things in moments. SO many answered prayers. I get down sometimes but I know that my Father allows that only to show me His greatness and His power. I'm nothing and have nothing without Him. He is just and He is faithful.

This year has been hard to get into the Christmas Spirit. The things I wanted couldn't be bought. Because of all of my anger I've felt as though I couldn't pray. I know what the Lord expects of me. I know His word, but I have been so in the flesh and so angry at people and how heartless they can be. I know to pray for them but all I've wanted to do is seek revenge.

I sit at home today for that reason. I knew that if I were to be around one person and I were to be provoked that I would give in to that anger. I am glad I stayed home. I have a wonderful mother in law but my sister in law and her family have always rose against my dear husband and my family. It breaks my heart for my husband. It breaks my heart that he has always been mistreated, treated less than his sister, and never good enough for any of them. No matter how well he proves himself, still, he is attacked. It's hard as his wife to watch him experience this and not retaliate. He on the other hand is so good at it. Who knew he could be such a meek and humble man. He is so honorable. I love him so much.

I mentioned my brother and the custody battle for his son in my last post. I'm happy to report that he was able to pick his son up today on Christmas day and will return him to his mother on Sunday before he returns to work! The Lord knew that in the midst of all the battles swarming around me and my own family that my very one wish this Christmas was for my brother to be able to see his son.

The Christmas Spirit has overwhelmed me. I couldn't be happier. THIS truly is the BEST Christmas that I have ever experienced. I am still battling some anger, so prayers are appreciated, but the one thing I know is that God is in control. He alone is my provider. And He takes very good care of this family. I have no worries.

I pray that each of you have a very very Merry Christmas!

Thank You Lord for sending your Son Jesus to die on that old rugged cross and raise again three days later to save my unworthy soul.

Merry Christmas!

Rough Week

It seems like the devil is never at bay. This is the first year in a really long time that our family has been getting along. Everyone is broke but at peace. So, because of the peace, hell hits everywhere else that it can.

It's not that I'm complaining.

I'm just upset.

Especially for my brother and my nephew.

He's having to fight for custody of his son and it breaks my heart. He's been the primary care giver for over 3 years and all of a sudden to have your child just ripped away and you're told you cannot see him again until the court date in March.

Heaven and Matt's heat is out.

Bills are behind.

I'm thankful for all of our health. I just hate this feeling of doom.

It'll pass I know.

Brighter days are coming.

Prayer warriors pray for my family.

I Remember

Let us never forget.

Happy 12th Birthday Sweet Meadow!

I can't wait until we go to our photo shoot and get to have very good pictures made of us together. I want to tell you Happy Birthday and that I cannot believe that you are 12 years old. Time is flying by and you are becoming a  young lady right before my very eyes. You are my baby girl, my youngest daughter, my last child at home. My heart strings pull hard on you. I want you to always know how proud I am of you and that I look forward to watching you become a wonderful woman.

Walk baby girl, don't run.

Listen, don't always tell.

Stand out, be proud. Never look around, be who you are.

Be kind always.

Stand up for yourself but don't be too sensitive.

Always lend a hand.

Be honest.

Have self respect and integrity.

You make a difference in each and every life that you encounter. Stay close to the Lord, dig in His word and never stop praying.

I am so blessed to call you Meadow, you, my daughter.

I Have Made Mistakes

Listen to this. It's amazing.

I hope I see you soon,
Because you're fond of me and I am fond of you.
These days I guess that's all it takes,
That and just a few mistakes.
And I have made mistakes,
Yes I have made mistakes today,
Yes I have made mistakes today,
Yes I have made mistakes

So tonight I'll be your Brooklyn,
So cold and yet so far away!
Just tell me what you want for me to say,
And if it brings you home?

I guess its safe to say,
We both could use this fire escape,
Cause I've been breathing ashes in,
And I've been waiting for something to carry you away.

Cause I have made mistakes today,

Yes I have made mistakes today,
Yes I have made mistakes

So tonight I'll be your Brooklyn,
So cold and yet so far away!
Just tell me what you want for me to say,
And if it brings you home?

So I hope you travel safe,
And I hope you're cool
I hope you find your way,
Because it's sad but it is safe to say,
We disagree on one too many things.

And I have made mistakes today,
Yes I have made mistakes today,
Yes I have made mistakes?

Thank You One Tree Hill.......

Floating Along

Feeling a little better but things are still the same as they were in Days go By. Not much change in my situation but I'm feeling better so that is the most important thing.

I have hope. I have things in the makings and we will see how things go. It's just good to feel lighter. Making decisions is so hard for me. In the midst I feel as though I was weighted down by the whole world. My biggest fear is making the wrong decision. Afraid that my decision will cause me or my family great regret.

If you are a reader of my blog you know by now that making decisions isn't my forte. It the hardest part, next to not having control over things. lol Both of those are hard for me.

Right now I'm taking a breather.

I will soon be here:

Enjoying the sound of the ocean waves, the smell of the salty air, the feel of the wind blowing through my hair, the taste of salt on my lips, my feet in the sand, hand and hand with my husband. Nothing can top that. Bring on the beach!

I have appointments as soon as I return that will reveal the next steps of my future.

Time will tell.

"At the beach, life is different. Time doesn’t move hour to hour but mood to moment. We live by the currents, plan by the tides, and follow the sun." -Anonymous

Days Go By

Psalm 143:7-8 – Answer me quickly, O Lord; my spirit fails. Do not hide your face from me or I will be like those who go down to the pit. Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you. Show me the way I should go, for to you I’ll lift up my soul.

This month has drug by so slowly. I have been so down. Real down.

This last week I've been depressed, so sad, weak, and helpless.

I study, I read, do quizzes, case studies, NCLEX practice questions, but it seems as though none of it matters.

I hate feeling this way. Like I'm failing, drowning and there is nothing I can do to save me.

I've been thinking a lot lately. I mean reality has to hit sooner or later right? If I can't pass these tests then I'm going to fail out of school.

That thought hurts. It's also embarrassing.

I battle. Do I quit? Do I drop out? Can I pull my averages up? Am I wasting my time?

I promised myself one thing from the beginning, and that was, that I would not quit.

No matter what.

I would not quit.

I never knew it would be this hard.

This week has been a very emotional week. I've struggled. Really struggled.

Today, I don't have any answers. I have no inspiration.

But I know the One who does. He hasn't shared them with me yet but He will. Until then, I'll lean on Him, and trust in Him, because I know He is holding me, protecting me, and leading my foot steps.

I don't know what my future holds but I praise the Lord that He holds my future.

Stressful Overload

This past week has been nothing but hell. Everyday was so stressful. I talked myself down each day telling myself that I had to remember to take things one day at time. You simply can't get ahead in your thought process.

I had to give medicines this week. My pt had over twenty. We have to learn everything about each med that we give. I gave medicines four times that day. I only had 2 hours of sleep after learning everything I had to know. The anticipation of it all is overwhelming. Hoping you don't forget something, a class, a category, a word you can't spell or pronounce. But, I made it through.

The hardest part this week was the test we had in Med Surg. I studied my bum off for that test, learning everything I possibly could about acids, bases, electrolytes, fluids, normal levels, abnormal levels, acidosis, alkalosis, respiratory, metabolic, how to read ABGs. I thought I was well prepared for my test. I sat down to take it and after reading the first 5 questions I knew I was doomed. I thought to myself, "What in the heck is this? I don't recall studying any of this stuff." Thankfully I wasn't the only one. Out of an average of 40 people only 9 passed. So it was graded on a curve. And even after they added 12.9 pts to my test I still failed. I just praise God for those points because they brought my grade to a level that I can pull up.

I was so upset over my grade, once again, 4 weeks into my semester I almost walked out. Had my current score stuck I'm pretty positive that I would have been doomed because I couldn't fathom how on earth I could pull that score up. God is so good me. He surrounds me with wonderful support and great friends. My new nursing buddy cried with me, encouraged me and challenged me and I'm so thankful I stuck it out. God always come through. He amazes me at how He controls things from behind the scenes.

So now I'm back to the grind, studying away for next weeks quizzes and tests. So much to do all the time. I'll also have a patho due. The greatest thing is that in the middle of it all I'm learning so much. I may not be learning it all but I'm learning a lot. A WHOLE LOT.

I have such a heart for nursing. I know this is what I want to do. I flourish in the setting.

My lab teacher called me in for our weekly chat about how things went and she was so encouraging. She told me that I was doing excellent and that she could see how hard I was trying. That makes such a big difference for me.

I praise God week 4 is over!

I pray to God that next week is gentler and that I can rest well and PASS those quizzes and tests.

I can do this through Christ and Christ alone who strengthens me and drives me. I love You Lord!

My Newest Blog Discovery

Everyone knows that one of my favorite blogs to read is Katie's Kisses-The Journey. She lives a dream that I once had in my own heart as a child. The great visions that I had I see come true through her. Because of her, I have a heart for Uganda and it's people. I know that the Lord changed my path of going to school to become a Dental Hygienist because He has greater plans to use me over seas as a nurse. I may never be full time like Katie but I will meet her one day. I will see the ground of Uganda and allow the Lord to use me for His people.

A sweet friend of mine shared another blog today on her facebook. As I read it brought to mind Katie and her journey and I realized how many missionaries there are that actually give their lives full time into ministry. When we homeschooled we read many stories of old missionaries that experienced the divine move of God, heard His audible voice, and seen miracles that we only read about in God's word.

It never stopped.

Why yes, I knew this, but..... some how I guess it hadn't sunk in.

I love reading of the journeys that others take that I can only at the present dream of.

Now, I'm not saying that I am not used here and now by and for the Lord but I can admit that I am not totally immersed in Him.

If you want to be stirred. If you want to be fed. Share in the journey of these ladies who have given their all. Pray for these countries that have no medical care. Pray for the children that are sold as sex slaves and that have no hope or future.

Read Life That Matters and you will see what I mean.

Father God awaken us. Create in me a hunger. Draw me close to Thee and use me for Your purposes. Let me be a light that shines. I have several that I see everyday that need You. Open the doors. Prepare their hearts. In Jesus name. Amen.

(All of the blogs in my blog roll column have something to offer, so if you are ever hunting check them out.)

Update on Landri

Message from Jennifer-Landri's mom.

"Landri has been really wanting the feeding tube out. Today she got it out, just not in the ideal way. It started gagging her and she threw up and it came up too. It looked like a long worm hanging out of her mouth. Poor baby :-( I told them they were NOT putting another one in! As you can see, it's out and Landri has nuggets and a milk shake from Chick Fila. Keep your prayers going up. She's working so hard. We all know Landri wants to walk and talk and do all the things she used to do and even more. She's going to be so much better at all of it. I can't say it enough...my little hero!! A parent's love never stops growing. I'm so, so proud of my Drayden too. He's been so mature during all of this. We miss him so much and he misses us just as much, but he has been such a trooper. I sure hope and believe Santa is going to be super awesome to him this year because he definitely deserves it PRAISE HIS HOLY NAME HE MAKES IT ALL POSSIBLE Thank you everyone ♥"

Thank-you all for keeping Landri in your prayers. I am so proud of her and her family. Our family is so strong and have really pulled together during this crisis. It's made us rethink every moment, every day and how we choose to live. God always brings greatness out of what satan means for harm. 

Mark 5:41 "Taking her by the hand her said to her, 
'talitha kumi,' 

which means, 'little girl, I say to you, arise.'"

And in Jesus' name she is doing just that!

Emotions Can Be Very Hard to Overcome

Today I have peace. Thank-you, each one of you that have prayed for me. The anger that consumed me hurt so bad. It's so hard to deal with that kind of pain. It returns because forgiveness isn't a one time thing. It's not a once and for all.

It's a continuous choice that you have to make day after day. The longer you do forgive the easier it gets to move on and forgive again.

It's when something similar happens to you once again, that it knocks your feet out from under you and you hit the ground - with so much more force than you did before. It knocks the air out of your lungs. It opens old wounds that have been sewn together, but not yet healed. It takes time to deal with all the emotions that arise from deep within you. You scream, you run, you try to hide, but there is no escaping it.

The only answer is to stop and face it again, and pray with all your might, allowing God to remind you of His great love and His great power, and how He has forgiven you. That you are no better or any different. He forgives, and so must you, seventy times seventy.

So now I ask for you to pray for Tony and I specifically. We need guidance. Do we return to where we were or do we move on? Where would the Lord have us to go? What does the Lord want us to do? Pray that we be still and hear the voice of God.

God is so faithful.

And I am so human.

I want to be more like Him and less like me.

I love You Jesus. I love YOU! Forgive me for being angry with You. For casting blame where there was none. Forgive me for my excuses and selfishness. Forgive me for not being a good friend, a good leader, a good example to those You set before me. Help me each day to recognize that sin in myself that I may repent and by Your word, Your power and Your might, I conquer that sin and transform, renew in the likeness of You. The Holy and Perfect One!

I am an OVERCOMER through Christ my Savior!

Fading

I'm not where I need to be but I'm not where I was. My anger is fading. All prayers are appreciated.

Get Over Yourself!

Some people just lie to themselves. They never assume responsibility for their own actions or admit that they are in control of their own life. They look for trouble and when trouble comes they say, "I'm used, abused and walked on." They say they are helping others- but if they could just stop for a second-a nano second- and look into their own life without blinders- and actually see the truth -they WOULD see that they only live for themselves. They give themselves glory for trying to help others but it's the lie they feed themselves to make you feel sorry for them, to make them look good. Look around. Look at what you surround yourself with. Your life is what it is because you chose it. You did and you do, every single day- you choose. Whine and cry, whine and cry, in the name of helping or encouraging someone else. If you want a different life then by goodness get up off of your rear end and LIVE IT!

Well I call it what it is.

BULL.

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.

You can't change anyone but yourself.

God can't forgive us until we repent. We can't repent until we realize our own actions/wrongs. Things don't change until we choose to change them.

I'm just sick of people's excuses and their feeling OH so sorry for themselves! UGH!

Vent over.

Wise Words from Joyce Meyers:

You can make yourself accountable, or you will be made accountable by the circumstances you create.

You can be full of pity or full of power. Stop blaming others and start taking responsibility for your behavior.

And my favorite

You may think that if someone else doesn't change, you can never be happy. But if you change, you can be happy no matter what.

We Miss You Mathew

Today is the day that we lost our close friend Mathew. I just wanted to dedicate today's post to him. There isn't one year that goes by that we don't think of him. He was such a special boy. I love that you are dancing in Heaven and cheering us on! We miss you so much! Hugs sweet one.

Thanksgiving 2011

Life just rolls along. It doesn't matter if you are ready for it or not, come what may, you simply cannot slow down time. I'm rolling with it for a change, instead of laying back as it passes me by. I've set goals and I'm working hard.

Change is hard. It's not only hard on the one changing but on those who are affected by the one is who is changing.

Such is life.

I am so very thankful for my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. I am thankful for His mercy and grace. My, oh my, how He blesses me each and every single day.

My papa passed away this week. It's been so hard letting go. When nannie passed, a year and a half ago, it was harder seeing papa mourn his wife of 65 years. When papa went, it helped to think of him meeting her on the other side. Yet, at the same time, there is such a thickness, this solidity in me, this deep knowing and understanding that this was the passing of a wonderful generation. How I wish that I could hear my papa tell me his stories again. If only I could have preserved their knowledge.

My girls are growing up. My Heaven was 21 this year and my grandson turned one. Sky turns 16 and Meadow turned 10. I hit 40. Such big years for all of us.

1-wow a year already?

10-double digits-the tween years begin!

16-ah sweet sixteen

21-wow I'm really an adult

and 40

40 has seemed so sad. Knowing that I'm halfway through this journey. And that is just a guesstimate.

My prayer if that I enjoy every moment, embrace every day, appreciate every tiny thing. That I open my eyes and not miss a thing. I pray for strength, for true grit, to fight for all that is right, to climb any mountain no matter how big or how tall, and to love with all my mite. Father, lead me, teach me, show me the way. Prepare me for battle.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

Perfect Night

Yesterday evening was an amazing night. I worked till five, paid bills, and made it home by 6:30 ish. Tony was playing at a revival on the mountain. I had not intended on going but as I turned in the driveway I had this strong desire to GO. I called him on his cell as he was already en-route. He was getting gas and agreed to wait for me. I couldn't get the girls to go, so I quickly grabbed my new camera the Nikon D7000  and left to meet him.

When we arrived at the little church I was almost disappointed. I thought well this is a small place and there aren't even any vehicles here. I wondered if anyone at all would show up. I took several pictures outside and toyed with the settings on my camera, trying to learn how to set it for the perfect light indoors and out.

In no time at all that little church was full. I was so surprised! Inside was absolutely beautiful. The walls were done in knotty pine and there was an old pipe organ. Everyone was so friendly, all smiles and hugs, welcoming us there with open arms.

Lots of Tony's family came. His mom, aunt Bonnie, uncle Kenny, friends Buddy and Faye and Faye's mom. I felt so at home. I loved the atmosphere. There were people of all ages. A perfect balance of babies, children, teens, young adults, adults and older adults. The young were caring for the old. There was just a simply harmony about the whole place. Peaceful. Loving. Simple.

Tony and his group "Almost There" sang first to open up the revival. They were absolutely awesome. (If you are reading this and are a fan of gospel bluegrass send me an e-mail via the contact Jenileigh button above and I will gladly send you a copy of their latest cd. Free of course!) By the last song Tony was really moved by the Spirit and had a hard time singing the song. I couldn't stop the tears. It had been so long since I had felt the presence of God so strong. The churches group then played and after they were done the special speaker came up to speak. Her name was Blonnie Gregory . She spoke on laying down on God because of our flesh tiring and how we try to do things on our own instead of allowing God to equip us. She shared so many miracles and beautiful testimonies. My eyes never dried. My face was swollen and my heart was full. The ministry that she and her husband lived was truly inspirational. Her husband Bunny passed away last year but she marches on. Her son and grandson were there last night and it was evident that they shared Blonnie's strong faith.

So many things passed before my eyes. How far I've fallen back into my old self. The me before I opened this blog. The me before the Lord had transformed into a new creation. I don't really know how it happened or why but I know that I realized that I was missing something great in my life. My walk had come to a rest area. It's time to take a step again, and put one foot in front of the other.

A lot of pain surfaced in me. From years ago during a hard time for Tony and I when we were forced to leave our home church and find a new one. Hurts from other brothers and sisters in Christ that wounded so deeply. But stronger than any of that was this emptiness of longing. Longing for that small country church, with sweet fellowship and the tight knit bond of caring for one another that some how seems to get lost in larger churches.

Pray for us. Pray the Lord continue to speak to my husband and that I submit to his guidance. Pray for our hearts to be truly healed and mended.

I love you my precious husband. I am so proud of you for continuing your walk and not sitting down beside of me during this storm cycle of life that I was so wrapped up in.

(I'll come back and add pictures later.)

Finding Myself

You know I've spent the last few hours reading over some of my older posts again.

My discovery is so odd, and yet at the same time, somehow...now-it makes perfect sense.

The Lord was filling me around the end of 2009. At the time I thought that He was getting me through the moments, the days, the trials, BUT as I look back and read what the Lord was speaking to me, what He was saying so clearly, He was teaching me, preparing me...well at least trying to prepare me, as much as I would allow, for the attack to come during the early part of 2010.

Instead of absorbing and really learning, truly listening and retaining, I shared with everyone as though I had word of knowledge for THEM and I emptied everything out without retaining the lessons He was teaching ME.

The lessons that were meant for ME.

Sharing is perfectly fine, but if you empty out what has been given to you without absorbing it, you've gained nothing.

As I look back now, I can clearly see how my Father provided me absolutely everything I needed to overcome every obstacle, every trial that came my way. As I prayed it was like I was asking Him to do it for me, take care of this for me, make it go away but He expects us to do our part. He gives us what we need and He expects us to use it.

It seems almost silly now, so obvious, but at that time I couldn't see it. I was so hungry for God, yearning for Him to speak to me, convinced that my relationship with Him wasn't good enough or strong enough or right enough or real enough......

Then I wind up here.

And the view from here shows me that it WAS good, it WAS strong, it WAS right and it WAS very very real.

I needed this.

I know my way now.

Thank-You Father for Your revelation. I am truly on my way back.

It is Well with My Soul

Today Heaven graduated. As most of you know we have home schooled for the last seven years. We had a small ceremony at our church for her. It has been an overly emotional time for me. With the fast that I was on, the pruning taking place, crucifying the flesh, and the purging from deep within I've been left raw on the surface. The thoughts of my baby girl growing up, heading to South Africa for a whole month and then moving states away for college in the fall have been quite overwhelming for me.

I know I'm not the first mother to experience this but it is MY first time to experience this and I have to say that I do NOT think that it will be any easier when the time comes for Sky and Meadow to step out into the life the Lord has planned for them. With all of the emotion that comes, the fear, the pride, the sadness, the joy, the desire to hang on but with the knowing that I must let go. The change. Dealing with all of these emotions while continuing to live and carry out the everyday things has been hard. Its a strange place to feel like you are being spiritually taught while the flesh is being worn down.

There has been a raging battle within me. The quiet stern voice inside of me comforting me and urging me to hold my head up and carry on. The pain inside of me wanting to scream and wishing I could stop time. Knowing what I need to do, what I must do and fighting the urge to just throw a big huge foot stomping, door punching, full throttle screaming temper tantrum!

This morning before the ceremony was hectic and stressful. I handled things well, the hinderances, the hold ups, the running late even though I had carefully planned things out. BUT when I arrived at the church and I seen the parking lot so empty my heart sank. The thoughts began. The faces that were missing began to flash before my eyes. The family, the friends that were close as family and then those acquaintances. The photographer didn't show either. I felt so wounded and unimportant. I felt so forgotten and so unloved. What was it honestly that was so important that kept them from coming? The pain overwhelmed me for an instant. My husband knowing and telling me that it was ok, that those that God had called to be there were there and to be thankful and move on, after all we had so much that had gone right why should I focus on what had gone wrong? My comment to him was, "Oh yes that's right I have to settle for what life has given me, I'm tired of that! I wanted things to be my way!" Inside of myself my spirit quickened. I knew immediately I was beginning to lose the battle. I was giving in to my flesh. "God help me," I silently prayed. I pushed on and finished setting things up. I greeted those who came and I was very thankful for them. I went up and took my seat next to my husband.

The ceremony began with praises to the Lord. The first song that started was Nothing without You by Bebo Norman. We didn't plan this song God planned it. As the lyrics began it felt like they were pouring out my soul as though they were my words being cried out personally to my God. He began to speak to me...."You have nothing....without ME." The revelation began to hit me not that I didn't already know this but I began to FEEL this. Nothing without God. Who was more important to me? Those missing faces or my God? As the song played I asked Him why it had to hurt so bad, all of it, the abandoned friends and losing my daughter...because that is what it feels like, like I'm losing her. Things are changing and when this change takes place things will never be the same again in my life and it feels like no one cares!!!

He spoke plainly and yet gently as He said.

"My child this is love. Love is a lot of things but love always involves hurt. I loved you My creation and man sinned, it hurt. I sent My Son and My Son loved you and because of that love He hurt. Can you think of a love that you have ever felt that didn't hurt?"

Then visions began to go through my mind. I seen Tony and I and our relationship over the years and I saw pain. I saw how the hurts grew us deeper together and bonded us. I seen myself giving birth to my children. How I loved them so before they were ever born and the pain I experienced bringing them into this world. I seen us parenting these children and the pain and hurts that had happened over the years some so natural and some not so natural but it was LOVE that held true and yet at the same time it was because of the love that we had for one another that it hurt so badly. I seen my little girl graduating and felt the pain of a left behind mommy and imagined her marrying and really starting her own life. I seen faces of those that I love that have passed away. Faces of those I had argued with, friends I had lost, broken relationships, hurt feelings and the root of all of these pains was love.

So the question seems to be is it worth it to love? You bet it is! Love hurts but it also binds us together. Love brings forth forgiveness. Love suffers long. Love never fails. Although there is pain in love, love is not pain. Love is so much more. Love is enduring and mending. Love is forgiving and kind. Love shelters and sacrifices. Love is strong. Love is the reason for it all.

God's love will take care of my Heaven as she steps out into the world. As she leaves the nest. God's love will fill my emptiness, my torn and broken heart, and He will fill it with new love. New things that I can't see that are coming. God's love is enough to enable me to move on.

After praise and worship Pastor Debra stood to speak. The words that she spoke amazed and impressed me. I was so honored that she spent the time that she did to say such wise things to my daughter. She reminded me of many things I'd momentarily forgotten through my emotions and stress. I couldn't see through the tears and I fought to keep sobs from retching out loud from my body. And then Pastor Coleman stood to speak and the love that poured out of Him for us is just unspeakable. There was a moment I didn't think that I would be able to bear another word. (I mean this in a great way!)

My dear friend Ginny that I met through homeschool group spoke next about dreams and thinking bigger. She read this scripture:

Isaiah 54:2 Make your tent bigger; stretch it out and make it wider. Do not hold back. Make the ropes longer and its stakes stronger, 3 because you will spread out to the right and to the left. Your children will take over other nations, and they will again live in cities that once were destroyed. 4 "Don't be afraid, because you will not be ashamed. Don't be embarrassed, because you will not be disgraced."

She shared how Heaven had been strong in the Lord, focused on Him and had stood steadfast. She had witnessed for Him and not been ashamed and the Lord was telling her to dream bigger. She couldn't dream for herself as big as the dreams the Lord had waiting for her!

Joy began to take over at this point. FINALLY! :)

I knew the Lord was speaking because just Wednesday night at Bible Study we were reminded to pray for nations! That our thoughts were not high enough where God is concerned. He is powerful and we need to be Kingdom minded and strive to tap into Him.

And then my husband spoke. The emotions overwhelmed me again as we reminisced over the years of Heaven growing and changing. The years that she spent with us home instead of in public school and the difference the time made. He called me forth to hand her her diploma. I so badly wanted to share what the Lord has said to me and the visions that I had had just moments before but I couldn't. I choked out a few words.....love and pain.....bittersweet. I congratulated her for she had so earned her diploma. And then Heaven spoke.

She gets her speaking skills from her earthly father and her Heavenly one! She thanked us for the decisions we had made and talked about how home schooling had shaped and formed her during some of the most sensitive years of her life. She was missing one of her best friends today also and she shared her pain but she pushed it aside and kept moving. (She done a much better job than her mother!) I'm a proud mother and thank my dear Father in Heaven, my Lord Jesus Christ, the precious Holy Spirit whom I often leave out without meaning to for gifting me with Heaven and for guiding and protecting her through the years. I am so grateful for the call on her life. I know she will continue to stand and serve.

It is Well with My Soul.....All is Well with My Soul.....My baby is growing up!

Nothing Without You by Bebo Norman
Take these hands and lift them up
For I have not the strength to praise You near enough
For I have nothing, I have nothing without You

Take my voice and pour it out
Let it sing the songs of mercy I have found
For I have nothing, I have nothing without You

Chorus:
All my soul needs
Is all Your love to cover me
So all the world will see
That I have nothing without You

Take my body and build it up
May it be broken as an offering of love
For I have nothing, I have nothing without You

All my soul needs
Is all Your love to cover me
So all the world will see
But I love You

With all my heart
With all my soul
With all my mind
And all the strength I can find

All my soul needs
Is all Your love to cover me
So all the world will see
I have nothing

Take my time here on earth
And let it glorify all that You are worth
For I am nothing, I am nothing, I am nothing without You

Praising God for the Thorns

This Christmas has not been what we had anticipated. My sister is battling a mental disease. I spent days trying to help her. I was wore down physically and mentally. My children witnessed too many horrid things, we simply couldn't get them out in time. Please pray for her as her very life is at stake.

I had over 550 new pictures from our Christmases taken on my new camera. I came here to blog some of the greatest ones, like the gingerbread house daddy decorated with them, I had days and weeks worth of stories to share with pictures and I was very excited. I pulled my chip from my camera and put it in my computer and alas, all was lost. I have no idea what happened to my chip but its empty. I cried and started to explode, then I remembered that the Lord has been dealing with me on my self-control and that my girls had witnessed enough turmoil so I bit my lip and decided to take down my Christmas Tree.

As we worked on that tree and put away all of our ornaments and decorations together, cleaning and getting our home back in order I thanked God for our Christmas and every blessing I could think of. I thanked Him for the thorns too, like my sister's sickness and my lost pictures because I remembered that God uses all things for His glory. As I did my heart felt lighter and my anger dissipated and I realized that I still had every loved one here with me that was in those pictures and that I could take more. When we moved our real yet very dead tree outside I realized something else....even though this tree was full of water it was very dry and brittle. My husband had been smelling a burnt smell the past few days and it was truly the hand of God that erased my pictures in order to guide me to take down that tree. Had I left it up until after the New Year which is our usual tradition I'm sure it would have caught fire. I cannot believe the tree was not drinking any water and the branches were so brittle they snapped off with the gentlelest touch.

I also baked a cheese cake after Christmas instead of for Christmas due to the emotions flowing through the holidays and I burnt the top of it. I could have screamed, maybe I did, I know I jumped up and down and finally accepted that all I could do is cut the top off. I did and it was delicious. You never knew the top was gone after I added the white chocolate ganache and poured on the homemade raspberry sauce. Yummy. I wanted to post pics but well...you already know where they went. I will however post the recipe and say that if I have any cheese cake loving viewers that this recipe is a must.

My husband was home praise God!! I could not have made it through this tough time without him. The day after Christmas I was so spent I prayed and asked God to please give me more time with my husband and God answered. My husband is still here and is leaving in the morning! Prayerfully he will be home tomorrow night and not have to leave until next Wednesday.

I have much to be thankful for. My sister is still alive, my pictures can be replaced, my home is safe from the dried out tree, my husband was home for the holidays, my cheesecake turned out delicious, I exercised my self-control through the grace of God, God is speaking to me and using me and guiding my husband and myself. God has reminded us through all of this that we honestly do not spend enough time on our knees. God is merciful and faithful and He is a mighty deliverer, and that when I pray I pray in faith knowing He is fully capable of answering my prayers because He is the Almighty!!

I pray that all of your Christmases were wonderful and blessed. I'm looking forward to the New Year. God Bless You all!!!

Grand Finale Cheesecake With White Chocolate Ganache and Raspberry Sauce

Crust
1-1/3 cup fine vanilla wafer crumbs
1/3 cup melted butter
1/3 cup sugar
1 tsp of cinnamin (if desired - I do not care for it)

Cheesecake
5pkgs of cream cheese softened
1-3/4 cups sugar
3Tbs Flour -plain
3/4 tsp grated lemon rind
3/4 tsp grated orange rind
1/4 tsp salt
1/4 vanilla
5 eggs at room temperature
2 eggs yolks
1/4 heavy cream

White Chocolate Ganache
8 oz white chocolate chips
3 tsp butter
1/4 cup heavy cream

Raspberry Sauce
1 bag of frozen berries
1/2 cup jelly (grape or currant)
1/2 to 1 cup of sugar (to your taste)

To prepare crust mix vanilla wafer crumbs, melted butter, sugar and 1 tsp cinnamon. Press into bottom of springform pan, 3" deep and chill.

Beat cream cheese until light and fluffy. Combine next 6 ingredients and gradually add to cheese beating contantly. Add eggs and yould one at a time beating well after each. Gently stir in cream. Pour into prepared springform pan over crust and bake extremely hot oven 500 degrees for 10 minutes. Turn oven down to 200 and bake for 1 hour and a half. DO NOT OPEN DOOR ( Cheesecake will crack)

Turn off heat after an hour and a half never opening oven door leaving until completely cool. Once completely cool move to refrigerator while you prepare the ganache.

Melt butter, cream and white chocolate chips in sauce pan stirring with wisk and pour over top of cheese cake and return to fridge over night.

Take the bag of frozen berries and thaw them, squeeze them through a seive and wisk juice, jelly and sugar to taste. This sauce is very thin. Refrigerate and serve drizzled over each individual slice. Delicious and beautiful.

One more day

One more day till my oldest baby leaves. I can't believe how hard it has been to get ready. Her big bag can only weigh 50lbs so we had to take out this and take out that! We took it to UPS and had it weighed and it was 50.25. Whew!

I have peace and even joy about her leaving. I know that God is getting ready to use her. I can't wait for her return to hear about all of the wonderful details. God is so good.

We are getting ready to go to a 4th of July Celebration with our church at a couple's place from our church. We have massive fire works to set off tonight. We are going to be cooking out and enjoying great fellowship. I can't wait and I'll be back to share later.

Please be in prayer for Heaven and for the missions team she is going with. Here is a link to the page where updates should be posted. It has some misprinted information currently so I hope they update soon!

Brio Missions PERUve iT!!! Teen Missions 2007