Learning

(This was written a few days ago, I'm just now blogging it here.)

You know ever since I've made the decision to move on life has just been lighter. I'm smiling and living and thinking about things other than taking my temps and knowing what day it is. I didn't think it would be this easy to move on, but I'm glad it has. It feels like its been a lifetime but in reality its only been 2 weeks. I've been seeking the Lord and asking Him to guide my steps and reveal some of His plan for me. I'm finally to this place where I'm ready for anything. I want His will in my life and not my desires. It has been a prayer of mine for some time and I'm happy to have arrived.

One thing the Lord has been dealing with me on is reading my bible. I read a lot of books, study books by others who have read the word and what they have gleaned from it, daily verses and studies that way but not just opening the word of God and spending that quality time in it you know?

So....the night before last, the house was all settled, much as it is tonight. Everyone sleeping but me, up, not sleepy, and enjoying the temporary silence. So I decided to read the bible. Strangely enough my bible was missing from my bedside. I have several, I keep one in my bible book bag, two by my bed (a KJV and the message) and more in my living room. Well the two I usually kept by my bedside were no where to be found, so I go into my living room to choose one from the shelf. I come across a bible I use to love, one that has commentary from Max Lucado. I bring it back to bed and I pray, asking the Lord to lead me in where to read. I allowed the bible to fall open and I began to read....

I couldn't believe my eyes, what? You've got to be kidding me right? No, I'm afraid not...

I was on the first page of Samuel.

Now you've got to understand something, over the last 5 years I have been in many different churches and services where Hannah was preached. I've been in services where it was spoken over the congregation that any women in the house struggling to conceive would conceive, DO NOT DOUBT, it is coming. I have read Samuel many times, 1st and 2nd. I even went through a period of time that I thought I would actually name my son (if I ever had one) Samuel because it means that I asked God for him. So it was incredibly ironic to me that on this night of all nights, in this time of all times that I would open my bible to this particular scripture.

I began to pray, and I asked God, "What in the world are You trying to tell me Lord?" I laughed out loud. I then spoke to myself and I told myself I said, "Jen, you are in a good place, you are feeling joy and your family is loving having you home, you are NOT going to allow yourself to return and go back down this road. Your Father loves you and would never tempt you, mock you or hurt you, He only wants what is best for you and He is trying to tell you something, so read and don't think too much."

Well that isn't so easy to do but I began reading.

Twice in the first part, the thing that caught my attention was, "The Lord had closed her womb." Twice, I read that.

"Yes Lord, I see, You have closed my womb. Satan isn't robbing me, You are the giver of life and death and You have chosen to close my womb." Wow, I had peace with that. I was actually glad to realize that it truly was the Lord and not the deceiver. I don't have to fight this battle any longer.

I kept reading. The commentary was about not giving up on your prayers. Persistence, persuing continually, no matter how long it takes, pressing in. "God are you wanting me to stay steadfast in this prayer?" I'm not so sure. I didn't feel strongly one way or the other so, I kept reading.

I get to the part where the Lord speaks to Samuel and Samuel not recognizing the voice of God goes to Eli and asked what he wanted. Eli replied, I did not call you. The Lord speaks to Samuel a second time, and Samuel again thinking that Eli had called him rose and asked Eli what he wanted. Again Eli replied, I did not call you. The Lord speaks to Samuel a third time and again Samuel thinks its Eli and again Eli tells Samuel he has not called for him. Eli realizes at this time that it is God who is calling Samuel and he instructs Samuel to reply to the voice of God, "Speak Lord, for Your servant hears."

The Lord gave Samuel some prophecy for Eli about his sons because Eli's sons were vile and Eli had not properly restrained them. Samuel did not want to give the prophecy to Eli because it was so bad. The Lord said their sin could not be atoned for. Eli told Samuel not to hide anything from him or more would come upon him. So Samuel told Eli.

I stopped here and I began to think and pray. I really felt strongly in my spirit that the Lord was trying to speak to me. Much in the same way that He was Samuel, and I like Samuel am not recognizing Him.

So friends, I'm asking you to help me pray. Pray that I will hear and recognize what it is the Lord is trying to tell me. Ask the Lord to reveal it to me, to open my heart, my eyes and my ears that I will not miss it or be turned aside or confused.

I'm excited. Not because I believe its about having a child, but because the Lord is trying to show me something and I want to please Him. I want to be used of Him. I long to please Him. Asking for nothing other than His will for my life.

Speak Lord for your servant hears!

Homechooling Is Going Great

We are using a variety of things. I have several *favorite* things and the first one is My Father's World which is a small unit study that includes Bible, History, Science, Music and lots of read-alouds. We are using Year Four, Exploration to 1850. One of my favorite things about My Father's World this year is that we are studying old hymns and their history, who wrote them and how they came about. We begin each morning singing praises to our King and then move directly into the bible study. We are studying James and doing a lot of memory work. I'm very excited about what I see transpiring in the girls even in such the short time of a two week period.

The first hymn we are studying is actually called My Father's World. It was written by a young man named Maltbie Babcock. We have studied how Maltbie was a very well liked young man, he was very talented in most anything he done, including music and sports. He stood up for what he believed in and he confronted others when their language or behavior was not appropriate. He was very aware of the beauty of God's creation and he spent a lot of time enjoying it. Observing the wonders of this world is how he came to write the song My Father's World.

I had never heard this hymn before and I have very much enjoyed becoming aquainted with it. I found a neat little book called Hymns for a Kid's Heart that includes a great version of My Father's World. In the My Father's World curricula they add a new hymn every two weeks. The girls and I decided to add a new hymn to our studies this week. Meadow chose 'O For a Thousand Tongues to Sing, written by Charles Wesley. Charles was also homeschooled, and his mother used the Bible as their text. He wrote over six thousand hymns in his lifetime! I thought it a good idea to go ahead and cover all of the hymns included in this book, even though it only has three of the hymns studied in My Father's World.

Once we finish in prayer we begin our history. I love doing history as a family. I love studying U.S. History. I didn't pay a lot of attention to it when I was in school so I missed out on a lot. The girls don't love it as much as I do but they are learning and remembering so much. They are both creating art pictures several days a week of what we cover that day. They are drawing explorers, ships and other things. These make for a beautiful notebook.

Then we break for lunch and come back to work separately. Sky is using Teaching Textbooks grade 7 for math. It has truly become a huge blessing in our home. She can work completely on her own and the program even grades each lesson for me. You can see examples of how it works by visiting the link. She is using Phonetic Zoo for spelling and this has proved, thus far, to be a wonderful hit. I love finding things that make my job easier and learning more fun for the girls. For science Sky is using Apologia General Science. My Father's World has conveniently created a schedule that makes Apologia General Science easy to implement in our studies.

Sky is also using the recommended curricula from My Father's World for English and Writing. I have another Writing program that I hope to move her into soon but just getting started out I haven't had the time. I will be sure to share when we do.

Meadow is finishing up Sing Spell Read and Write with only a few more steps to go. This program has been my all time favorite for teaching kids to read. Its catchy and loads of fun with the music, games and prizes. We have also moved into Primary Language Lessons and Spelling by Sound and Structure by Rod and Staff. Somedays we have enough time and stamina to complete all of these and other days we alternate. For math Meadow is using BJU Math 2. I used BJU Math with Heaven all the way through school and I love it. However since finding Teaching Textbooks once Meadow reaches the fourth grade level we will be switching over. Teaching Textbooks is just to easy and fun and I have to say the price is much better than BJU's dvds.

I'm hoping to add in God's History of Art and Rosetta Stone Spanish as funds allow. Our days are full and eventful. I feel so accomplished when our work is complete. I praise the Lord for leading us back home and for continuing His work in me. I look forward to sharing more of our days soon!

The Zoo

Our field trip with my dad Wednesday was great. We had a blast and I was very impressed by what the girls learned. I must be a woman of few words today. I'm on a schedule and I only had time to load pictures. Hope you enjoy.

The Play Date

Meadow met a girl while in Christian School that she really bonded with. The little girl was pulled out of Christian School the day before I pulled Meadow. I have ran into her new friends mom several times and the last time we exchanged phone numbers. She called and we set a play date for the girls.

We met at her house this morning at 11 and the girls had a ball. We ate lunch and I got to help care for a little 3 month old baby boy. I think I've made a new friend too! I talked with Meadow's friend's mom for hours. The time didn't cross my mind until it was almost 4 o'clock, wow! So we were late getting home.

It was fun and I look forward to getting together again. :)

Unplanned day

Today instead of schooling as we had planned we attended a funeral. My bestfriends grandmother passed away Friday and today was her funeral. It was so sad. Her grandmother had not been sick, she was still driving herself and was completely in her right mind, which is wonderful that no one had to care for her before she went home to be with our Father, but her death was so out of the blue and unexpected. I think that situation alone, having no time prepare, made it a lot harder. My friend's daddy had passed away years ago and her mom is divorced and remarried. In a lot of ways this was an end to this side of the family for her. We had lunch with her and her family after the funeral and then we went to her house and had a nice long visit. We didn't get home until 7:30 tonight. It was a long day but it was nice to be able to take the girls and be there for my friend. Homeschooling enables you to live more of your life together. Tomorrow we have a play date planned and Wednesday, my dad is taking us to the zoo!

A great school day

It's been a little rough getting back on track. I'm such a planner and being on such short notice threw me a bit but we are getting the hang of it again. Today we finished everything up in record time and we got chores done, the only thing waiting is dinner. Which I'm headed off to take care of now.

I'll share more about what we are using soon, when time isn't so limited.

Today was a good day. I love homeschooling, after seven years it is a part of me. :)

The Valleys are Full of His Grace

The Valleys Are Full Of His Grace

It is not on the mountaintops
of gigantic breakthroughs

where we learn to live for God's glory.

But rather,
it's the valley of the mundane trenches

where we live out our everyday story.

And it's there in the ordinary
that we seek what is higher
and where we humble our hearts before Him.

For it's walking by faith
for our own unique issues

and seeking God as each one begins.

It's learning to pray without ceasing each day

and not giving up when answers don't come.

And it's learning to praise God
through good times & bad
and not just when a victory is won.

It's learning to endure the hardships of life

while realizing they all make you look up.

And it's learning to live with the stresses of the
day while drinking from sovereignty's cup.

It's living with the things that challenge your

beliefs yet cause faith & certainty to swell.

For it's not the " great times"....but rather the

adversities that create the faith-stories we tell.

And we'll never enjoy the breakthroughs and
successes still we've struggled
with every challenge to face.

For there's victory on the mountaintops
to relish for the moment
but the valleys are full of His grace.

(Not sure who the author is.)

Trying to move forward

The Christian school that we had sent the girls to just didn't work out for us. So we are heading back into homeschooling this year. Not at all what we had planned but God knew. I'm waiting on Sky's school to get here so we can begin and Meadow and I are schooling away with what I had on hand from last year. She has new things coming too but I want to finish up where we had left off first.

I'm doing well. Trying so hard to change my focus even though I REALLY do NOT want to. I'm back on my diet and I'm working out and walking. Trying to occupy myself and not think so much about having another child and taking care of the girls that the Lord has blessed me with.

Pray for me to have direction. I want to pleasing to my Father. I can't wait to begin posting about our school days! I'm so excited!

Pain

Last month when the red stain showed I found myself naked on my knees in the shower with scalding hot water pouring on my back, in the dark, while I cried out to God with moans that came from the depths of my soul.

Pain.

Sometimes its so hard to bear.

The door opened and closed, I heard the shower curtain pull back, and my husband stepped in and slid down in the floor, into my darkness with me.

He wanted me to know I wasn't alone.

My oldest daughter is getting married in May.

My middle daughter is turning 13 in December.

My youngest daughter is 7.

I turned 37 last month.

This week my husband, Tony, asked me to wait until today to do a pregnancy test and he asked that we do it together. I don't know why that makes it harder but it does. It's sort of something I've always done alone. Sometimes it feels better to be alone so that you can deal with pain.

I peed in the cup and dipped the test in for 20 seconds. This month I purchased the digital kind that simply reads, "Pregnant or Not Pregnant." No games, no lines, no guessing.

As we laid together in the bed that I had climbed back into surrounding myself with mounds of comfort in my blankets, he asked me if we could pray. Yes, I told him, we can pray. He laid the test aside and He asked the Lord to hear our cry, to answer our prayer.

It touched my heart.

This month was a faith month for me. I've spoken life over my womb almost everyday. Here is a copy of a post that I saved in a draft on day 20.

I just have to confess this, I feel pregnant. I can't explain it but my stomach is feeling anything but normal. I know I'm over analyzing every feeling I'm having but I just had to say it! I feel pregnant!

As I laid in bed listening to my husband cry out to God for us, deep inside, I knew the answer already. I knew it yesterday when I purchased the test. I knew it was pointless but I had to carry on through the motions.

He lifted the test and we read.

Not Pregnant.

Our finances are drained. We aren't going forward with another month. I would if I had the money. I would go to the ends of the earth, no matter what the procedure and no matter what the cost if I could. We just don't have the sources. I will spend the next year or better paying for the treatments we have already had.

I know in my head all I have to be thankful for. But in the moments of despair I do feel as though God hates me.

I read that.

I read it again and I know how untrue it is. I know nothing could be further from the truth. I know His love for me is so great that He sent His Son to die on that old rugged cross to save my soul.

I have prayed for His will to be done and no matter what that is I have to be willing to accept it and move on.

I am most positive in the tomorrows to come I will find joy.

Meadow just came up behind me, clueless as to what I am going through, put her little arms around me, and said,

"Mommy?"

Yes Meadow.

"I love you."

I love you too Meadow.

Those are the sweetest words and I praise God that I get to hear them.

Today, I will have to go through the motions.

I need to focus so that I can Breathe.

Just breathe.

I'm finally feeling better

I'm so glad. Thank-you all for praying!

I'm so sick

I've had a virus since Friday. I spent the day with diarrhea and vomiting, it was severe I might add. Sunday I thought I was better, I was weak but went to church. We had a long good day, but as soon as I got home I knew I had pushed myself too far, my stomach was achin and rolling. I've been up all night again, no rest and very tired.

Prayers are appreciated!

Let me just say this

I Miss Homeschooling!

I'm here

I've just been very busy and honestly haven't had a lot to blog about. I thought I would mention that my sil hasn't asked or let me keep Aiden in two weeks. I was looking at my pictures of him below and I really miss him. I'll bet he's growing up a storm. She mentioned that I may be able to keep him Monday. I hope so. I love having him here. He is such a doll!

The girls are faring pretty well in school. Sky has had a few incidents with two different girls and I have to admit it concerns me. After homeschooling for 7 years I'm in no way use to this and therefore have no experience in how to deal with it either. So far both situations have worked themselves out but I'm not a happy momma. I'm seriously considering bringing them back home the next school year. Of course its too early to be making these decisions now.

Things at church are going really well, I LOVE teaching my class. Tonight they all greeted me with so much love and excitement. They depend on me, and that feels good. They listen to me, and that amazes me! I love sharing Jesus with them. We are getting in gear to start the Christmas program and I'm praying about whether or not to help with this.

How are all of you?

Our Hamster

The day before yesterday I noticed that Sandy (Sky's hamster) didn't have any food in her cage. So I opened her little cage and filled her bowl. I really enjoy giving her fresh fruits and veggies and how some nights she'll eat them out of my hand, but this night I was too tired, so I just filled her bowl and went to bed.

The next day Sky comes to me to inform me that Sandy is missing. She wanted to know if I had accidentally left her cage door open? Oh dear, yeppers, that would be me. I told her that Sandy's food bowl was empty and I was going to lecture her about that and Sky reassured me that she had filled Sandy's bowl that morning and that she was NOT going hungry. Oh dear.

Sooo...Sky pulled out her hamster book and read about how to catch her. The sad news is that they don't offer much hope in finding them. We put food out last night for her in Sky's room. Sky slept with us last night, yep, you heard that right, she slept with US! She was too freaked out by the idea that Sandy might climb the bed covers and sleep with her. So this morning when we enter the room, the food is gone.

Well I guess that is a good sign. At least we know she isn't too far off. Then around 11:00 o'clock this morning, Sky comes and gets dh and I and informs us that she can hear Sandy chewing behind her huge homemade American Girl dollhouse. (Did I mention that dh was totally against getting a hamster?) Of course dh orders us all into Sky's room, he wants this hamster caught! Inside I'm grinning so big. (I'm thinking, "only in my house!")

So I get a peach, um...I'm not sure if hamsters like peaches or not but its the only fruit in the house and I know Sandy loves fruit. Dh gets on one end of the dollhouse and I on the other, both of us armed with fresh pieces of peach.

Sandy goes to dh and takes a bite off of his peach only to run back to the center of the dollhouse where neither of us could reach her. Hmmmm Dh has a brilliant idea of getting the broom, so Sky, (terrified of the hamster) goes to get the broom. I put a small box on the floor, on my end of the dollhouse, with the peach inside and dh take the broom and scoots Sandy out from the other side and PLOOMP, into the box she goes!

Yay!!! We got her. I dumped her from the box back into her cage and made sure I closed the lid. Whew!

The thing is, are we going to keep her?? I don't mind cleaning her cage or feeding her out of my hand, but I can't seem to have enough calm to hold her. Sky is so afraid of her she won't hold her and I don't want Sandy to bite us. Dh of course wants Sandy gone. This episode was too much for him...sooooo

Do any of you ladies want a hamster?

Things went well

thanks for your prayers! I truly felt and appreciate them.

We don't really have any big plans for the weekend. Sunday is my birthday and one of my best friends Kimmie is going to take me to see the new movie,"The Women" I'm so excited! I've watched a trailer of it online and it looks so funny and now is a good time for me to experience some humor. :)

Heaven is on a date with Matt tonight, (which is typical) Meadow is staying with her little friend Nikki, and Sky is in the late process of trying to find a friend to come here since she has the house to herself! Dh is in the bed early. I had a nap so I'll be a night owl again tonight! Ugh, so much for keeping schedules! :)

How about you? Plans for the weekend?

I Covet Your Prayers

tomorrow. 9/26/08 Thanks sistas!

Manic Monday

The girls are doing so well in school. Some days I'm so busy and others it seems I haven't a thing to do. Heaven and I went shopping and found her wedding dress, slip, bra, tiara and veil. I cannot believe my little girl is getting married. I believe earlier this year I was posting about having empty nest syndrome because she was going to be leaving for college. Now she will be attending the local community college for a couple of years before having to transfer out to finish her degree to teach English.

I have been debating what to do with myself, although I'm not 100% sure that I won't be homeschooling again next year, you just never know. I didn't start college at the Christian School as intended because of the classes. I thought it was a program that I could get a teaching certificate and a bible degree in so that I could teach in any Christian School but this one was bible classes only and wouldn't benefit me anywhere but there. I will be substituting though, actually I'll be teaching 4th grade tomorrow. I do love teaching. I wish our church would buy land and build a fully functioning Christian School. (I'm praying)

I have been contemplating going back to school to take the RN program. The thing that gets me is that I'll need at least 3 semesters of math and science before I can even apply to our local nursing schools. It will take me 4 years to finish, and that is if I passed all classes each semester and I passed the HESI test at the end of each semester. Here, even if you pass the semester, if you fail the HESI you must repeat that semester until you pass the HESI. I have a friend that failed the HESI twice and it took her an extra year to finish. That is a long time and a long commitment. Especially due to the high demand. I'm almost 37 and they only accept a limited # of students each year with a portion being given first to those just graduating and those that are already LPNs. I'd hate to take 2 years of prerequisites only to have to wait even longer to get in.

I investigated attending our local Tech College, the one I graduated from before, I could finish a degree in Medical Assisting in about a year. This would be my fastest option but I called several local Dr.s offices and they don't recommend it. In our area MA's aren't hardly used at all and I would have to travel to have a job. I'm an hour away from three different larger cities that would employ MA's so I'm hesitant to go that route also. Pay start out isn't that high either and with gas prices I just don't see the benefit.

Decisions, decisions.

That and trying to plan a wedding. I really haven't a clue where to start. Right now the big question is where? They want an outside wedding and not a typical church wedding so that greatly limits me. Pray the Lord show us the perfect place to hold a wedding in this beautiful county we live in.

Other than that all is well on the homefront. Oh, other than Roxy. She will be one in November and she still is NOT potty trained. She is in a crate and she is being taken outdoors, I also have pee pads down inside and she uses those too, BUT she still continues to poop and pee in the girls bedrooms. I'm getting to my wits end with her. We all spend lots of time with her, we even took training classes and I've read two books. Nothing is working. I've contemplated trying to find another home for her. That breaks all of our hearts but we just don't know what else to do. sigh...

I knew it was coming

Matt proposed to Heaven today! I just got the phone call. I knew it was coming because Matt had requested to have dinner with Tony last week and he asked Tony if he could have his daughter's hand in marriage. Tony gave his blessings, even though we do feel she is really young. I believe a late spring/early summer wedding is planned. I have so many mixed feelings , but at the same time, I'm really happy for them. Well, not much time, just wanted to share the news.

Wordless Wednesday

Young Love

For more Wordless Wednesdays go to 5 Minutes for Mom and Wordless Wednesday Hub.

Be Still Sunday # 3

To see other Be Still Sundays visit Natalie at Married to the Preacher.

Thankful Thursday

I have so many things to be thankful for but today I'm keeping it simple. I'm thankful that the Lord has given me time with this little fella, short as it may be. He is so precious. For those who missed yesterday his mommy is in prison and he is staying temporarily with my sister in law. Please keep them all in prayer. Have a blessed day!