I've been battling the last few weeks. If I were to dare to be completely honest with myself and you I could admit it has been longer than that. I seem to have fallen into some sort of pit, something that caused me to see things bunched up together, something that made everyday life appear as this huge heavy burden.....this overwhelming obstacle that I could see no way over and it completely stole my joy.
I would wake up in the morning completely refreshed from the Word I read the night before. I would awaken completely determined that today would be different, I was going to beat this thing, I was going to overcome and I was going to find a way to be more like Jesus and add His perfection into my life and I had this vision that I would be able to transform the everyday struggles into what *I* felt they should be. I wanted a perfect home...clean, neat and uncluttered, running smoothly with no glitches. I wanted to rise early, greeting my Father and beginning hymns and bible study with my children and watch them rejoice that their mother was taking the time to feed them spiritually each day. I wanted everything to f-l-o-w ever so s-m-o-o-t-h-l-y allowing Jesus to shine through me, spreading and sharing Him with all that I met. (I still want this.)
In reality what would happen is this. I would awaken early and some days I didn't want to get out of bed. Some days I really wished I could stay in bed longer, maybe until the next day came. I would drag out of bed, sometimes moody sometimes happy but either way as I would go to wake the girls I would face a battle. They weren't the happy little girls like you see in books and in the movies that are so glad to rise, no they resisted me. Often times in order to get them to rise I resulted to threats and loud yelling. By the time they would drag to the kitchen table and get breakfast a couple of hours have passed. As I coax them into the living room to try and begin school I again face more battles. The resistance of their will. Ah mom, not again. Do we have to do school today?
I put on the praise and worship, the beautiful hymns that I love studying and I love singing but somehow that refreshing joy I experience on Sunday morning at church is no where to be found. I find myself fussing at the girls to sing praise to the Father with me. Some days I must tell them that they HAVE to sing or else they'd be grounded. So then they would sing forcefully. Have you ever heard that? Forced singing. You simply can't force praise. It's not pretty at all.
So then the anger sets in and I ask the girls, "How do you think God feels right now? Do you think this type of singing makes Him happy?" They don't seem to care, the eyes roll and its made known to me that they really wish this was over and that I would just be quiet.
The day follows in the same spirit, chores, dishes, clothes, picking up after themselves, cleaning their rooms. Everything a battle.
At the end of the day I'm exhausted, I'm deep in a pit, my emotions are so mixed I question my own sanity. I'm full of guilt and shame because I don't know how to control my own kids. I have read book after book, 'Parenting with Love and Logic', 'Raising Godly Tomatoes', and numerous other things and I find that none of it works in my home.
Can you imagine what this does to a marriage? When my husband calls I'm in a tizzie, I'm ranting and raving and venting to him like there is anything he can do about it from the road. To be perfectly honest there is really nothing he can do when he gets home because its too late. If things aren't handled as they happen all is lost. The kids are angry with me for telling him on them, he is angry that he has to come home and handle the discipline because he feels like the bad guy and I feel like a failure as a wife and mother.
It's a vicious cycle.
I end up giving in and stopping my schedule. I stop trying to force them to sing and do bible study. I give up to an extent without really throwing in the towel. Things get worse and one day I come to the place that I feel like starting over is the only answer. And the cycle begins all over again.
This leads to the girls calling me crazy. Mom is in a bad mood again, Mom is on another one of her kicks. I fight until defeated and again I give up.
Its sad isn't it?
My thoughts turn from doing what God has called me to do and they begin to think of ways out. How can I stop the madness? How can I stop the cycle? Do I stop homeschooling? Wouldn't it be easier if I just put them back in school and go to work? Shouldn't I have a life outside of my family? I'm unappreciated and I feel abused. I feel like I never get a day off. My job runs 24-7, 365 days a year and yet I can't rid myself of the truth that it'll end one day soon. One day soon, I'll be alone, they'll be grown and gone. Have I taught them what they need to know to survive in this world? Have they learned enough that their souls will go to heaven and not to hell?
What is the problem? What is the true root here? Where is the solution?
Posts
