July 26, 2010

Old Me

There were a lot of positive changes in that new me. I felt good. I felt like moving, like living, like getting out of the house and doing something new. What I found along the way was that I was on a slow descent into a place that the Lord has brought me out of long long ago.

It began in December last year. I became apathetic. A spirit of depression had taken over me but I didn't recognize it. I kept reading books and my bible and praying some, but my attendance at church dropped off. Then ever so slowly I stopped reading and my prayers became less and less frequent.

I'm sad to admit that by May I was lost. So lost in fact I was ready to walk away from everything as I knew it.

The strangest thing was that I didn't know who I was any longer. I felt no convictions and could see no consequence for my action. I became dangerous to myself. I felt happy and in control but that was a lie from satan.

I was so out of control that I had opened the door and invited him in.

Our merciful Father however, kept His hand upon during this time I wandered lost in the wilderness. He extended His mercy and grace to me. There were faithful prayer warriors covering me with prayer and my life was spared. I was so close to the edge. I truly could have gone either way.

I'm so thankful that the Lord didn't give up on me.

I remember the day that my husband came home and told me the Lord had shown him that I was under spiritual attack. He said this wasn't ME-it was demonic. I remember the fear that I felt at that moment. It took a while for it hit me. When he laid hands on me and prayed I actually felt something for the first time in a long while. Feeling nothing-being numb is a horrid place to be. I felt that thing-that nothingness leave me.

The difference was night and day. It was almost as though I were in shock. I couldn't believe the physical difference that I felt being free.

The Lord brought me to a deep repentance. I went to a place that I never dreamed I'd ever ever go back to. I dealt with shame and guilt for a long while until I was finally able to forgive myself. I had let everyone around me down, my family, friends, those I witnessed to, those who knew me and those who didn't.

My prayer since then has been that the Lord take what satan meant for harm and use it for HIS glory.

It is a process.

I'm still learning.

I heard from many of you while I was away and I have to admit that I was quite surprised at how many people actually read my blog because it rarely gets comments. I'm thankful that in my time of stupidity I closed my blog and didn't mislead anyone online.

Now I am trying to find balance. It isn't a sin to lose weight. It isn't a sin to exercise. It's healthy. But if it brings with it a spirit of vanity, its worthless. I am praying that I can be healthy and used by God and NOT fall to prey to the vanity that tries to haunt me as I get into shape. So far I've gained a few pounds. I pray to be able to recover before I gain it all back but most important to me is my relationship with Jesus. If you are reading I would appreciate your prayers. I need balance.

I hope the Lord will use my fall to help someone.

I am so thankful for His forgiveness.

It feels so good to be back.