You Know Who You Are

I just thought I'd let you know that your blog posts have all been copied and printed. You also might like to know that what you posted about me on your Facebook was also copied and printed. You can hide all you want but we have evidence and proof. It's too late. The last eight years your actions, the pain you've caused to each one of your children will catch up to you. You are the one with a record a mile long. You are the one who is money hungry and steal from your own children. Everything you said about me was a lie and yet true about you. I am no hypocrite. I am real and I know my flaws. So do others that are a part of my life.

I know your mind is confused. Maybe once all of this is over you can finally get the help you need and someone can finally stop you from abusing your children. I just hope they can heal and recover from all you've done to them. The Lord knows, and He will prevail in this situation.

I feel so sorry for you. I'm not angry for me, but I am angry for those you've destroyed and those you are still trying to destroy. I'm praying for the Lord to help me deal with my emotions. It's hard to watch someone repeatedly do the same thing over for so long and never show any signs of repentance or change. Especially when they are hurting innocent children. Even though God does forgive us, when we are sincere in our repentance and turn from our sin and truly allow Him to change us, there are consequences for our actions . You haven't changed. You continue to blame everyone else when you alone are the sole cause of the situation at hand and those in the past. You'll have to realize that and accept it before you'll ever be able to move on. The one thing you never wanted was to be like your mother and yet you have allowed yourself to become the epitome of what she use to be. This battle isn't over. You may feel victorious today but this is a battle you will not win.

Hoping and praying you are well on your way to the beach. That'll be the greatest thing you could do for anyone in your family.

And I'm so glad I don't have to hide. You coward. All you have is mouth. I'm not one you want to reckon with. I will testify in court. I will not back down. I will fight for what is right for that 14 year old boy that you were too sorry to raise!

(If you feel that this relates to you then take it for what it's worth. There are no names here. My blog isn't to single anyone out. I take situations in my life and deal with them here. I have since 2007. This could apply to many in my life-it's not singled out to one family in general.)

Other's Pain

My life is so peaceful but I see other's who are fighting a huge battle. I am in prayer for them. I am thankful that my husband and I are able to help them. God always makes a way. We live in a small community and everyone is pulling together to do all they can to help. In the end I KNOW that God is going to fix things once and for all and finally close a door that will allow them to go on and live their lives in peace. Please pray for them. Pray for the children, they've been so mentally abused for so long. Parents don't realize sometimes the damage they do their children, or maybe they do but they just don't care. Either way, the children need the protection of the Lord Jesus Christ.

People

It's so hard for me to grasp some people. I'm sure these ramblings are completely irrelevant but today I will voice them just the same.

How can you abandon your children and not accept the blame for that? How can you stay in touch with your daughter's ex husband who cheated on and almost destroyed your daughter? Is it to pay her back? To hurt her because she doesn't want you in her life any longer? Does it make you feel better about your selfish decisions?

You leave behind a son who is almost 14 but can't read or even write his own name and no one can do anything to help him because you filed religious exemption in the state of VA before you abandoned your family.

Now you have yet another daughter who has a chance at a fresh start and you and your ex her own father are going to scream the C word to try and get her to stay. Parents are suppose to take care of their children not the other way around.

You're fake. You're selfish. You're a liar. You both are. This isn't judgement it's an observation. It's truth.

No one is perfect but to knowingly continue to hurt your children is dead wrong. Both of you should be ashamed.

I pray the Lord open up doors to take them all out of both of your lives for good. Both of you should stop threatening everyone with your sob suicide stories and grow up.

If you are reading this please pray for this family. It's hard being so close to these children and sit idley by while their parents mentally destroy them. Even though two of these kids are of legal age the abuse continues. My heart cry is for it to STOP!

Enough rant. Sigh........

(If you feel that this relates to you then take it for what it's worth. There are no names here. My blog isn't to single anyone out. I take situations in my life and deal with them here. I have since 2007. This could apply to many in my life-it's not singled out to one family in general.)

Realization or Should I say Revelation?

I've been battling the last few weeks. If I were to dare to be completely honest with myself and you I could admit it has been longer than that. I seem to have fallen into some sort of pit, something that caused me to see things bunched up together, something that made everyday life appear as this huge heavy burden.....this overwhelming obstacle that I could see no way over and it completely stole my joy.

I would wake up in the morning completely refreshed from the Word I read the night before. I would awaken completely determined that today would be different, I was going to beat this thing, I was going to overcome and I was going to find a way to be more like Jesus and add His perfection into my life and I had this vision that I would be able to transform the everyday struggles into what *I* felt they should be. I wanted a perfect home...clean, neat and uncluttered, running smoothly with no glitches. I wanted to rise early, greeting my Father and beginning hymns and bible study with my children and watch them rejoice that their mother was taking the time to feed them spiritually each day. I wanted everything to f-l-o-w ever so s-m-o-o-t-h-l-y allowing Jesus to shine through me, spreading and sharing Him with all that I met. (I still want this.)

In reality what would happen is this. I would awaken early and some days I didn't want to get out of bed. Some days I really wished I could stay in bed longer, maybe until the next day came. I would drag out of bed, sometimes moody sometimes happy but either way as I would go to wake the girls I would face a battle. They weren't the happy little girls like you see in books and in the movies that are so glad to rise, no they resisted me. Often times in order to get them to rise I resulted to threats and loud yelling. By the time they would drag to the kitchen table and get breakfast a couple of hours have passed. As I coax them into the living room to try and begin school I again face more battles. The resistance of their will. Ah mom, not again. Do we have to do school today?

I put on the praise and worship, the beautiful hymns that I love studying and I love singing but somehow that refreshing joy I experience on Sunday morning at church is no where to be found. I find myself fussing at the girls to sing praise to the Father with me. Some days I must tell them that they HAVE to sing or else they'd be grounded. So then they would sing forcefully. Have you ever heard that? Forced singing. You simply can't force praise. It's not pretty at all.

So then the anger sets in and I ask the girls, "How do you think God feels right now? Do you think this type of singing makes Him happy?" They don't seem to care, the eyes roll and its made known to me that they really wish this was over and that I would just be quiet.

The day follows in the same spirit, chores, dishes, clothes, picking up after themselves, cleaning their rooms. Everything a battle.

At the end of the day I'm exhausted, I'm deep in a pit, my emotions are so mixed I question my own sanity. I'm full of guilt and shame because I don't know how to control my own kids. I have read book after book, 'Parenting with Love and Logic', 'Raising Godly Tomatoes', and numerous other things and I find that none of it works in my home.

Can you imagine what this does to a marriage? When my husband calls I'm in a tizzie, I'm ranting and raving and venting to him like there is anything he can do about it from the road. To be perfectly honest there is really nothing he can do when he gets home because its too late. If things aren't handled as they happen all is lost. The kids are angry with me for telling him on them, he is angry that he has to come home and handle the discipline because he feels like the bad guy and I feel like a failure as a wife and mother.

It's a vicious cycle.

I end up giving in and stopping my schedule. I stop trying to force them to sing and do bible study. I give up to an extent without really throwing in the towel. Things get worse and one day I come to the place that I feel like starting over is the only answer. And the cycle begins all over again.

This leads to the girls calling me crazy. Mom is in a bad mood again, Mom is on another one of her kicks. I fight until defeated and again I give up.

Its sad isn't it?

My thoughts turn from doing what God has called me to do and they begin to think of ways out. How can I stop the madness? How can I stop the cycle? Do I stop homeschooling? Wouldn't it be easier if I just put them back in school and go to work? Shouldn't I have a life outside of my family? I'm unappreciated and I feel abused. I feel like I never get a day off. My job runs 24-7, 365 days a year and yet I can't rid myself of the truth that it'll end one day soon. One day soon, I'll be alone, they'll be grown and gone. Have I taught them what they need to know to survive in this world? Have they learned enough that their souls will go to heaven and not to hell?

What is the problem? What is the true root here? Where is the solution?

Pain

Last month when the red stain showed I found myself naked on my knees in the shower with scalding hot water pouring on my back, in the dark, while I cried out to God with moans that came from the depths of my soul.

Pain.

Sometimes its so hard to bear.

The door opened and closed, I heard the shower curtain pull back, and my husband stepped in and slid down in the floor, into my darkness with me.

He wanted me to know I wasn't alone.

My oldest daughter is getting married in May.

My middle daughter is turning 13 in December.

My youngest daughter is 7.

I turned 37 last month.

This week my husband, Tony, asked me to wait until today to do a pregnancy test and he asked that we do it together. I don't know why that makes it harder but it does. It's sort of something I've always done alone. Sometimes it feels better to be alone so that you can deal with pain.

I peed in the cup and dipped the test in for 20 seconds. This month I purchased the digital kind that simply reads, "Pregnant or Not Pregnant." No games, no lines, no guessing.

As we laid together in the bed that I had climbed back into surrounding myself with mounds of comfort in my blankets, he asked me if we could pray. Yes, I told him, we can pray. He laid the test aside and He asked the Lord to hear our cry, to answer our prayer.

It touched my heart.

This month was a faith month for me. I've spoken life over my womb almost everyday. Here is a copy of a post that I saved in a draft on day 20.

I just have to confess this, I feel pregnant. I can't explain it but my stomach is feeling anything but normal. I know I'm over analyzing every feeling I'm having but I just had to say it! I feel pregnant!

As I laid in bed listening to my husband cry out to God for us, deep inside, I knew the answer already. I knew it yesterday when I purchased the test. I knew it was pointless but I had to carry on through the motions.

He lifted the test and we read.

Not Pregnant.

Our finances are drained. We aren't going forward with another month. I would if I had the money. I would go to the ends of the earth, no matter what the procedure and no matter what the cost if I could. We just don't have the sources. I will spend the next year or better paying for the treatments we have already had.

I know in my head all I have to be thankful for. But in the moments of despair I do feel as though God hates me.

I read that.

I read it again and I know how untrue it is. I know nothing could be further from the truth. I know His love for me is so great that He sent His Son to die on that old rugged cross to save my soul.

I have prayed for His will to be done and no matter what that is I have to be willing to accept it and move on.

I am most positive in the tomorrows to come I will find joy.

Meadow just came up behind me, clueless as to what I am going through, put her little arms around me, and said,

"Mommy?"

Yes Meadow.

"I love you."

I love you too Meadow.

Those are the sweetest words and I praise God that I get to hear them.

Today, I will have to go through the motions.

I need to focus so that I can Breathe.

Just breathe.

Words Left For Me...

Tony was only home for a few hours this weekend. Stress reigned. When I woke this morning these were the words he left for me...

Climbing into a cage week in and week out,
Causes one to look at life with much doubt.
Leaving those I love so very much,
Many miles from home and away from their touch.
From the time I leave, until my return,
For their love and affection my heart it does burn.
I drive a Big Truck across many a great state,
A job some love but one that I hate.
Out on the road with nothing else to do,
I think about life and “wasted time” too,
About wants and desires and things that we need,
For more time with my family to my Lord I do plead.
I come in most weekends, providing I don’t break down,
To a house full of family but it seems LOVE is not around.
Through out the week while Daddy is not here,
Pressure and tension drowns the good cheer.
Mother doing the job that God meant for TWO,
Is taking its toll on one who is true,
True to her children and responsibilities of life,
Is what makes me proud to call her my WIFE,
She works over time, and without any pay,
I do not envy her, that I must say,
Homeschooling, cooking and cleaning all day,
No time for herself to keep the devil at bay,
So I lift her up to our Father above,
And ask that He bathe her with patience and love,
That which only God Himself can give,
The desire to love to laugh and to live.
My greatest desire is to be a family man,
And with the help of my Lord, I know that I can,
So I also pray, it be the will of my Lord,
That I soon come home, to a home of one accord.

My heart is broken today....