It is Well with My Soul

Today Heaven graduated. As most of you know we have home schooled for the last seven years. We had a small ceremony at our church for her. It has been an overly emotional time for me. With the fast that I was on, the pruning taking place, crucifying the flesh, and the purging from deep within I've been left raw on the surface. The thoughts of my baby girl growing up, heading to South Africa for a whole month and then moving states away for college in the fall have been quite overwhelming for me.

I know I'm not the first mother to experience this but it is MY first time to experience this and I have to say that I do NOT think that it will be any easier when the time comes for Sky and Meadow to step out into the life the Lord has planned for them. With all of the emotion that comes, the fear, the pride, the sadness, the joy, the desire to hang on but with the knowing that I must let go. The change. Dealing with all of these emotions while continuing to live and carry out the everyday things has been hard. Its a strange place to feel like you are being spiritually taught while the flesh is being worn down.

There has been a raging battle within me. The quiet stern voice inside of me comforting me and urging me to hold my head up and carry on. The pain inside of me wanting to scream and wishing I could stop time. Knowing what I need to do, what I must do and fighting the urge to just throw a big huge foot stomping, door punching, full throttle screaming temper tantrum!

This morning before the ceremony was hectic and stressful. I handled things well, the hinderances, the hold ups, the running late even though I had carefully planned things out. BUT when I arrived at the church and I seen the parking lot so empty my heart sank. The thoughts began. The faces that were missing began to flash before my eyes. The family, the friends that were close as family and then those acquaintances. The photographer didn't show either. I felt so wounded and unimportant. I felt so forgotten and so unloved. What was it honestly that was so important that kept them from coming? The pain overwhelmed me for an instant. My husband knowing and telling me that it was ok, that those that God had called to be there were there and to be thankful and move on, after all we had so much that had gone right why should I focus on what had gone wrong? My comment to him was, "Oh yes that's right I have to settle for what life has given me, I'm tired of that! I wanted things to be my way!" Inside of myself my spirit quickened. I knew immediately I was beginning to lose the battle. I was giving in to my flesh. "God help me," I silently prayed. I pushed on and finished setting things up. I greeted those who came and I was very thankful for them. I went up and took my seat next to my husband.

The ceremony began with praises to the Lord. The first song that started was Nothing without You by Bebo Norman. We didn't plan this song God planned it. As the lyrics began it felt like they were pouring out my soul as though they were my words being cried out personally to my God. He began to speak to me...."You have nothing....without ME." The revelation began to hit me not that I didn't already know this but I began to FEEL this. Nothing without God. Who was more important to me? Those missing faces or my God? As the song played I asked Him why it had to hurt so bad, all of it, the abandoned friends and losing my daughter...because that is what it feels like, like I'm losing her. Things are changing and when this change takes place things will never be the same again in my life and it feels like no one cares!!!

He spoke plainly and yet gently as He said.

"My child this is love. Love is a lot of things but love always involves hurt. I loved you My creation and man sinned, it hurt. I sent My Son and My Son loved you and because of that love He hurt. Can you think of a love that you have ever felt that didn't hurt?"

Then visions began to go through my mind. I seen Tony and I and our relationship over the years and I saw pain. I saw how the hurts grew us deeper together and bonded us. I seen myself giving birth to my children. How I loved them so before they were ever born and the pain I experienced bringing them into this world. I seen us parenting these children and the pain and hurts that had happened over the years some so natural and some not so natural but it was LOVE that held true and yet at the same time it was because of the love that we had for one another that it hurt so badly. I seen my little girl graduating and felt the pain of a left behind mommy and imagined her marrying and really starting her own life. I seen faces of those that I love that have passed away. Faces of those I had argued with, friends I had lost, broken relationships, hurt feelings and the root of all of these pains was love.

So the question seems to be is it worth it to love? You bet it is! Love hurts but it also binds us together. Love brings forth forgiveness. Love suffers long. Love never fails. Although there is pain in love, love is not pain. Love is so much more. Love is enduring and mending. Love is forgiving and kind. Love shelters and sacrifices. Love is strong. Love is the reason for it all.

God's love will take care of my Heaven as she steps out into the world. As she leaves the nest. God's love will fill my emptiness, my torn and broken heart, and He will fill it with new love. New things that I can't see that are coming. God's love is enough to enable me to move on.

After praise and worship Pastor Debra stood to speak. The words that she spoke amazed and impressed me. I was so honored that she spent the time that she did to say such wise things to my daughter. She reminded me of many things I'd momentarily forgotten through my emotions and stress. I couldn't see through the tears and I fought to keep sobs from retching out loud from my body. And then Pastor Coleman stood to speak and the love that poured out of Him for us is just unspeakable. There was a moment I didn't think that I would be able to bear another word. (I mean this in a great way!)

My dear friend Ginny that I met through homeschool group spoke next about dreams and thinking bigger. She read this scripture:

Isaiah 54:2 Make your tent bigger; stretch it out and make it wider. Do not hold back. Make the ropes longer and its stakes stronger, 3 because you will spread out to the right and to the left. Your children will take over other nations, and they will again live in cities that once were destroyed. 4 "Don't be afraid, because you will not be ashamed. Don't be embarrassed, because you will not be disgraced."

She shared how Heaven had been strong in the Lord, focused on Him and had stood steadfast. She had witnessed for Him and not been ashamed and the Lord was telling her to dream bigger. She couldn't dream for herself as big as the dreams the Lord had waiting for her!

Joy began to take over at this point. FINALLY! :)

I knew the Lord was speaking because just Wednesday night at Bible Study we were reminded to pray for nations! That our thoughts were not high enough where God is concerned. He is powerful and we need to be Kingdom minded and strive to tap into Him.

And then my husband spoke. The emotions overwhelmed me again as we reminisced over the years of Heaven growing and changing. The years that she spent with us home instead of in public school and the difference the time made. He called me forth to hand her her diploma. I so badly wanted to share what the Lord has said to me and the visions that I had had just moments before but I couldn't. I choked out a few words.....love and pain.....bittersweet. I congratulated her for she had so earned her diploma. And then Heaven spoke.

She gets her speaking skills from her earthly father and her Heavenly one! She thanked us for the decisions we had made and talked about how home schooling had shaped and formed her during some of the most sensitive years of her life. She was missing one of her best friends today also and she shared her pain but she pushed it aside and kept moving. (She done a much better job than her mother!) I'm a proud mother and thank my dear Father in Heaven, my Lord Jesus Christ, the precious Holy Spirit whom I often leave out without meaning to for gifting me with Heaven and for guiding and protecting her through the years. I am so grateful for the call on her life. I know she will continue to stand and serve.

It is Well with My Soul.....All is Well with My Soul.....My baby is growing up!

Nothing Without You by Bebo Norman
Take these hands and lift them up
For I have not the strength to praise You near enough
For I have nothing, I have nothing without You

Take my voice and pour it out
Let it sing the songs of mercy I have found
For I have nothing, I have nothing without You

Chorus:
All my soul needs
Is all Your love to cover me
So all the world will see
That I have nothing without You

Take my body and build it up
May it be broken as an offering of love
For I have nothing, I have nothing without You

All my soul needs
Is all Your love to cover me
So all the world will see
But I love You

With all my heart
With all my soul
With all my mind
And all the strength I can find

All my soul needs
Is all Your love to cover me
So all the world will see
I have nothing

Take my time here on earth
And let it glorify all that You are worth
For I am nothing, I am nothing, I am nothing without You