October 11, 2008

Pain

Last month when the red stain showed I found myself naked on my knees in the shower with scalding hot water pouring on my back, in the dark, while I cried out to God with moans that came from the depths of my soul.

Pain.

Sometimes its so hard to bear.

The door opened and closed, I heard the shower curtain pull back, and my husband stepped in and slid down in the floor, into my darkness with me.

He wanted me to know I wasn't alone.

My oldest daughter is getting married in May.

My middle daughter is turning 13 in December.

My youngest daughter is 7.

I turned 37 last month.

This week my husband, Tony, asked me to wait until today to do a pregnancy test and he asked that we do it together. I don't know why that makes it harder but it does. It's sort of something I've always done alone. Sometimes it feels better to be alone so that you can deal with pain.

I peed in the cup and dipped the test in for 20 seconds. This month I purchased the digital kind that simply reads, "Pregnant or Not Pregnant." No games, no lines, no guessing.

As we laid together in the bed that I had climbed back into surrounding myself with mounds of comfort in my blankets, he asked me if we could pray. Yes, I told him, we can pray. He laid the test aside and He asked the Lord to hear our cry, to answer our prayer.

It touched my heart.

This month was a faith month for me. I've spoken life over my womb almost everyday. Here is a copy of a post that I saved in a draft on day 20.

I just have to confess this, I feel pregnant. I can't explain it but my stomach is feeling anything but normal. I know I'm over analyzing every feeling I'm having but I just had to say it! I feel pregnant!

As I laid in bed listening to my husband cry out to God for us, deep inside, I knew the answer already. I knew it yesterday when I purchased the test. I knew it was pointless but I had to carry on through the motions.

He lifted the test and we read.

Not Pregnant.

Our finances are drained. We aren't going forward with another month. I would if I had the money. I would go to the ends of the earth, no matter what the procedure and no matter what the cost if I could. We just don't have the sources. I will spend the next year or better paying for the treatments we have already had.

I know in my head all I have to be thankful for. But in the moments of despair I do feel as though God hates me.

I read that.

I read it again and I know how untrue it is. I know nothing could be further from the truth. I know His love for me is so great that He sent His Son to die on that old rugged cross to save my soul.

I have prayed for His will to be done and no matter what that is I have to be willing to accept it and move on.

I am most positive in the tomorrows to come I will find joy.

Meadow just came up behind me, clueless as to what I am going through, put her little arms around me, and said,

"Mommy?"

Yes Meadow.

"I love you."

I love you too Meadow.

Those are the sweetest words and I praise God that I get to hear them.

Today, I will have to go through the motions.

I need to focus so that I can Breathe.

Just breathe.

11 comments:

Willow said...

Oh Jenileigh how I wish I could comfort you. I hold you and your sweet husband up in prayer that God will work whatever His will is through you during the hard time. I'm glad you believe that in the tomorrows to come you will find joy. Just know that I'm hugging you in my heart and I hope that that, along with my prayers, might offer you some little bit of comfort or strength in the days to come.

Nikowa said...

Oh your post has brought me to tears.

What a wonderful husband you have. I feel your "pain". I, at only 27 being a 2 time cervical cancer survivor-am now an empty shell. I so desperately want to have more children, yet cancer stole away my womanhood.

I pray for you friend.

Kim said...

Jenileigh, I have no words to offer that you haven't already heard. But I do have prayers to offer up to our Father. May He wrap His arms around you, comforting you each moment of the day.

~Kim (in TX)

annie said...

((((hugs)))) to you!

marky said...

{{{{Jenileigh}}}} My friend..I am so sorry that you are hurting. I am praying for God to comfort you today and in the days ahead.

Jen @ One Moms World said...

Big (((HUGS))) my friend. Your post really touched me. May God give you the strength to get through this... I just know he will!!

Karen said...

I haven't popped by for a while, oh Jenileigh you are still a young thing! Well I'm 41, so you're young OK? I have this feeling that you are going to have some top news to share in the not too distant future. My SIL is on her 4th round of IVF right now, they've been married 10 years and long for a child, they've had many disappointments and she is coming up for 35.

Your husband sounds awesome and I know you know...but...your Father hears your heart...knows your desire...cares too.

Jenileigh said...

Oh Karen!!!! I miss you so much!!! I so wish you were still blogging. I feel like I lost a friend. I've mourned you! Please come by soon! Or email me at jenferleigh at yahoo dot com
Much love dear long lost friend!

Karen said...

I just popped in again and I'm so glad I did. I can't believe Heaven is getting married - as in, how exciting and where did time go? Are you on Facebook at all Jenileigh? You can find me there under Karen Frith. Would love to reconnect. Quite a few of us bloggies are on Facebook now :-)

Rebecca said...

I read this before and again today I can't tell you how comforting it is to hear it put to words. The feelings that always make me feel so alone and then I realize I am not. I've thought of you often and say little prayers for pockets of peace to fill your days. So many changes all at once. May God give you the strength you need!

Jenileigh said...

Karen! I'm not on facebook. I haven't the time currently. If I can I'll try to find you soon, if not please feel free to e-mail me at jenferleigh at yahoo dot com

Love and Hugs