January 19, 2009

Revealing My Heart

The other night everyone in my house was asleep but me. I couldn't resist the urge to run around and take pictures of the girls.

Meadow, my baby girl. She is growing up so fast. Sometimes I think just knowing how fast she really is growing leaves me desperate for another child. I'm trying so hard to face reality. There is just no way to know. Either way I'm ever so grateful for them.

Look at Sky. I can't believe how she is sleeping. She looks like I posed her! We both laughed at this later. She said, "Momma, I never sleep like that!" I said, "Well you did that night!" She looks so peaceful. I pray she has peace all of her life.

Heaven. Oh my. I can't believe she is getting married in May. Life is changing ever so fast for me....and Heaven for that matter. All her life I've prayed for time to slow down, and here it is. She has grown up, but looking at her in this picture, she doesn't look it. She looks just like my little girl.

I had word spoken over me at church last night. It was a wonderful confirmation of what the Lord had shown me at Christmas. Below is a post I hadn't published here.

Saturday I sewed costumes for 3 and 1/2 hours. I was amazed as I am not a very talented seamstress. As I worked it became obvious to me that it was not *I* who was working but the Holy Spirit working through me. I was doing some amazing things that I knew I didn't know how to do. As this revelation hit me I began to pray in the spirit as I sewed. As I prayed the Lord spoke to me, ever so softly, ever so gently, about my womb and my desire for children. As He spoke the tears streamed down my face.

What a glorious feeling, what a wonderful, unexplainable experience.

The Lord told me that He had plans for me. Plans that He couldn't totally reveal just yet but that I was on the right track. He is going to give me children. He is actually in the process, as I sewed and worked with these youth, of doing just that. He showed me faces of those that I would help and minister to and He told me it was much much larger than what I was seeing. He allowed me to see myself, the kind of wife and mother I am, and a picture of my life from the outside looking in.

It was at this moment that I realized if my womb were opened my work at church would be done for another season. With a babe in my womb my ministry would change as I would have to revert back to my home in the way I knew the Lord would want me to. There is no way that I could be in the ministry with these youth AND be the kind of mother I need to be to a baby. I pour my all into my family, as I should. It's biblical to put the Lord first, your family second and then the ministry.

Instead of blessing me with one child to raise He is going to give me many children to share the love of Christ with now.

Today at the Christmas Play some of what the Lord had spoken to me began to unfold. At the beginning of the play as the children walked into the sanctuary there was a little girl in tears, too afraid to walk alone, who needed me to carry her. With her on my hip I seen a little boy fighting with two other boys and they were holding up the line. I had that little boy come and hold my other hand. As I marched onto that stage, I was not alone, but in fact *with* two children. I cannot explain the peace that I felt.

Towards the end of the play there was a different little girl who began to cry, I squatted down to see what was wrong. She needed to be held. I sat down on the stage as I cradled this precious little girl and then here came another. I held one and wrapped my left arm around the other little girl and then here came the little boy who was fighting earlier. We bowed our heads and prayed. My quiver was full. These children were bonding with me in a way that I had not seen or realized before. They call me by name. They feel safe in my arms.

Some of the children in our church are bused in. Their parents aren't serving the Lord, some are very poor, some are on drugs and there are some who are abusing their children. There are several sets of parents in our church who have adopted some of these children. They haven't had to go through typical adoption agencies because some of these children's parents have just chosen to give them up. I praise God that they've been adopted to a safe Christian home and that they are members at our church. The Lord has called me to intercess and stand in the gap for them because He has a call on their lives.

I'm not saying that I believe I'll never have another child naturally. I'm saying that I have peace with whatever the Lord has planned for my womb because I know I am doing what He has called me to do. I know that no matter what happens the Lord fully intends to surround me with children who need Him. I truly want His will to be done. His dreams for me are bigger than any dream I've ever had for myself. It's not about ME, it's all about HIM. And I can't wait to experience all that He has in store for me! end

Last night my pastor spoke so much of this same thing over me. He said "The Lord sees your heart, your heart is so tender and so big. I see children all around you, children with brown hair, blonde hair, little children, older children, like stair steps all around you. The Lord says, He is going to use you to minister to them and pull them up and out of the mess."

There was so much more but I can't recall every word. I just know I heard it from the Lord and had visions from Him in December and this confirmation, this reminder, was so needed!

I just want to give thanks to Him for showing me once again that the purpose that He has for me is so much more important than the one I had for myself. My vision is changing. My direction, my desire, my wants are changing direction. The same but different. I want to help these children, I want to shine Jesus for them. I want to be ready. I don't want one to suffer because I didn't take heed or prepare. I don't want to waste my life wanting something that isn't God's will.

Lord thank-You. Please Father, keep Your hand upon me and help to keep me focused. I love and praise You. You have blessed me with so much. I never ever want to seem ungrateful or unsatisfied. Amen!


The Handmaid of the Lord said...

Hi Jenileigh:

I loved your testimony about God opening your womb and the children you have been meeting who are already alive and blessing you. It is so true that when we believe God for something, we have already decided how he will provide it. We are human and have our minds made up.

I think sometimes when some Christians encourage us to know exactly what we want when we ask God it can also hinder us from opening up to God doing something different. I do believe we have to know what we want but somehow this has to be balanced with being open to God doing it his way, because ultimately this is how we will be most fulfilled.

I found you because you visited my site last year and made a comment about how blessed you were by my post: Fruits of the Devil. I was surprised and visited your sites. I liked what I saw and read. Then I was updating my blog today and remembered you. I wondered how I would find you, and then remembered that I knew you because you had responded to a post. So I found you again and am more impressed than I was before.

You and your husband are doing so much and your daughters are precious. To me an excellent witness is when your children desire to follow in your footsteps.

I look forward to following your blog more often. Your blog design is beautiful. I am single but destined to be married when the right man is presented to me. It is quite a story on how the Lord has led me to desire marriage. Maybe I can share some of it with you sometimes and ask you some questions about marriage as a Christian woman.

During my reading in Proverbs recently I ran across a scripture(s) that said a wise man, a man of understanding, obtains good counsel. I think you would be someone good to talk to. You are spirit-filled, devoted and effective. I know you must be very busy but I would be honored if you could spare a little time every now and then to share with me. I am going to email you here: kotkem@yahoo.com and maybe we can go from there.

Thank you. We never know from where or how our blessings and help may come. Maybe there was a reason you came out of nowhere and responded to one of my posts.

Sincerely in Jesus' Name,
The Handmaid

annie said...

Love the sleeping pics, so sweet!

Blessings to you Jenileigh!

MoziEsmé said...

I love sleeping kid photos! And thanks for sharing your testimony here...

Irritable Mother said...

"the purpose that He has for me is so much more important than the one I had for myself...I don't want to waste my life wanting something that isn't God's will."
With tears in my eyes, all I can say is Amen, sister. Amen!

Thanks for stopping by yesterday. It's so good to read your words and see your heart again.

Just love the babies He brings to you!!!

DebMc said...

Dear Jenileigh,
What a lovely post. First the sweet, sweet photos of your girls sleeping. How precious!

Then, your heart revealed. I pray for peace and wisdom for you. May God fulfill in His way and time, your heart's desire.

Bless you!