Digging Deeper

The mail ran today. It was full of magazines and I just love magazines. One was for Heaven, it was her new Beauty Control magazine, new products and deals. The next one was a spring catalog full of seeds and lots of goodies for planting gardens and such for the upcoming season. It always makes me want to have a big garden but I'm rarely able to care for it. Well, I should say, I rarely take care of it the way I should. This year I'm hoping to do some garden boxes. Tony says he'll help build them and I'm going to do my best to make them a priority. I love fresh veggies. A garden provides such a great reward for the hard work you put into it. Last year my mother in law had a very large garden and we spent enormous amounts of time canning. I've been very grateful for the food its provided my family through the winter.

The other magazine that came was Today's Christian Woman. I found this great article that really touched and moved me. Over the stress of my extended family, the holidays and such I've allowed myself to be a little worn down. I've been less tolerant and not as sweet spirited as usual. I haven't had the patience that I should have with the children and I guess I've allowed some negativity to seep in through the cracks. I was just thinking about my attitude the other day and how busy I seem to be with everything. I had the thought that maybe it was winter, maybe it was the cold. I do tend to lean a little towards the depressional side of things in the winter even though I absolutely love this time of year. (I do wish it would snow!)

I've been hardest I believe on my husband. Nothing major but in the little things you know? Nagging, making comments, thinking of the things that he does that gets on my nerves so bad. Things like not putting his dirty clothes downstairs, or cleaning up after himself in the kitchen, leaving his shoes out in the floor for me to trip on, not hanging up his jackets. I've been focusing on the things *I* want him to do and on the things he isn't doing. Then justifying my attitude, my thoughts and my comments because, after all, they are true. I have taken my eyes off of Christ and and my sins and focused them on my husband.

I'm not even going to share some of the thoughts that have begun to enter my thoughts about my husband and our relationship lately. I believe they come from the allowing of the flesh to rule and not feasting upon God's word. I became full of pride and even some vanity in thinking of myself as so much better because I do the things I should. What deceit.

The Lord used the magazine article that I read to open my eyes to this deceit. While the article is an extreme example, it hit home none the less. It was about a woman who had decided to divorce her husband. She packed her things and went to her mother's house and poured her heart out to her mother. Her mother advised her to do one thing first. She took a sheet of paper and drew a line straight down the center. She asked her daughter to write down everything her husband had done to upset her. It was so easy for her to do. As I was reading the story I too began to mentally make my list of all the things my husband has done lately to irritate me, the things that really got on my nerves. Her list became very long, as was mine.

Well of course the lady thought her mom was going to ask her to write down the good things about her husband in the other column, I did too. I thought I had this one figured out. Instead, her mother asked her to write down how she responded in word and action to each thing that she had listed about her husband. As she began to fill out the page, shame, humiliation and guilt began to overcome her. She continued anyway, just I did in my mind. Then her mother took the list and cut the line drawn down the center. She handed her daughter the side that listed her behaviors and told her to go home and pray about them. If after she had done that, she still wanted the divorce, she could return and her mother and father would support her in the divorce.

It was at this point I was brought to my knees. I repented long and hard for the disrespect and dishonor that I had shown my husband. I repented for thinking I was better, and for thinking that he was the one who was blessed to have me. I repented for being ungrateful for the man that my Father had chosen for me to spend the rest of my life with. I remembered our vows, our vow to one another, to remain together forever, come what may, for better or for worse. I remembered that I use to pray for Tony and ask the Lord to speak to him about things that he did that bothered me. I remembered that many times Tony had truly done nothing at all, it was just my attitude or my mood for the day that caused me to be irritated. I was reminded to look deeper than what appeared on the surface.

I laid my head on my husband's back while we were watching a movie together and I thanked God for him. I praised God for him. And I asked my husband to forgive me. He had no clue why. I told him I was sorry for my attitude, my disrespect and dishonor to him lately and he just thought as usual, I was being over emotional. I had to laugh.

So thank-You Lord for speaking to me today. Thank-You for redirecting me and getting me back on track. I'm grateful that I was fallen only for a few months. Years of this would indefinitely lead to not only mental abuse affecting everyone in our household but also to divorce. Father God I praise You that You spare me, that Your forgiveness is unending and that Your love is unconditional. Father please continue to teach me how to love the way you love. We both know that without You, I'm not capable. Thank-You for another year with the man that I love. In Jesus Christ's name I pray, Amen.

Happy New Year everyone!