July 6, 2009

Do you know God's will for you?

The last couple of years I've battled with going back to school many times. It's not a huge thing to look at it. To most people, and I have to admit even to me, it wasn't something that important. I felt like that no matter what I chose to do, either decision would be right. If I were to go back to school it would be to benefit my family and I could still homeschool. The direction was the hangup, which field, what did God want me to do?

In 2001 the Lord called me specifically and boldly to homeschool my girls.

This year marks the beginning of our ninth year.

It's been a journey.

A sweet one, a hard one.

It's been lonely at times and I am in the minority.

Homeschooling itself isn't the problem.

Fighting the feelings that my life is passing me by and that when my girls are grown and gone I'll have nothing to show for it, now that is my battle.

Somedays its money, because living off of one income and no insurance is NOT easy. My faith has faltered a lot over the last 9 years and I've fallen quite short. I've tried to jump ship many, many times. Always reasoning things like, friends and socializing, money, sports, exercise, camps, dances, all the many things that my girls miss out on that all of the other children in public schools get. What about schedules, educational benefits, independence, field trips and lectures?

Then the other end of the pole, me time, freedom, something of my own, a job, a talent, the money, job security, clothes, a savings account, a nicer vehicle, a home on some land, dreams, insurance, the dentist even a pedicure. After all I see so many successful ministers that send their children to public school. It couldn't be a sin for me.

I've contemplated this decision, not neccesarily to stop homeschooling but to go back to school for a long time now but the last year I've contemplated it ALOT. Remember when I sent the girls to a Christian School last year? I asked God, "Speak to me God, tell me what You want me to do? Does it matter if I become a teacher, a nurse, I want to know what You want me to, I need to know which direction to go. I can go, You know for free."

It was at this point doors began to open. I've wanted to be a nurse for a long time and in the past I'll just tell you, the opportunity hasn't been there. Any door that might open for me to go into nursing was several years down the road. This time when I began to seek which direction to go, things were different. I travelled to school about an hour away. I was allowed to take a test to determine if I would qualify to go into the nursing program they offered. I was treated poorly, like a dumb person seeking something that would never happen. I went in to take the test and it was on a computer. Most of it was multiple choice. I had no worries in the English or Reading but the math, well that was another story. I worked for hours on that test. (it wasn't timed) When I entered that ladies office I just knew that I had failed.

To my amazement she said, "These are some of the highest test scores I've seen in a long time." I have 4 positions open for our nursing program and I'm offering one of them to you.


Talk about a confidence booster!

I came home so excited. I prayed, I talked to my husband, my best friend. I was ecstatic. I finally had the opportunity to do something I'd always wanted to do. The thing is, I didn't have peace. I had a week or so before having to decide so I sought God for answers but none would come. My head hurt and it felt like a tornado inside of my mind. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't think my way out of this or into it. I was at a deadlock.

This nursing program would require me stop homeschooling immediately, or to allow my girls to be homeschooled in the evenings. This meant they'd be alone all day everyday Monday through Friday. Or I could put them in school.

Why wasn't I hearing from God?

I knew my husband had something but he likes to allow me to make my own decisions. I went to him and told him that I couldn't make this one. I needed him as a child of God, head of our home, my husband and father to our girls to tell me what to do.

He said, "Jennifer, take a few night classes in the fall if you'd like but wait on this nursing program."

I was so relieved. It was NOT what I wanted to hear but I was SO relieved. I had peace and I slept that night.

The next week at church I had the opportunity to speak with my Pastor, Bishop Coleman. As he listened so intently to my dilemma, he shared such wise words with me. He too had been at a crossroads. The Lord had told him that if he really wanted to go one way, the Lord would allow it, but that it wasn't God's perfect will for him. It could be His permissive will. He shared that many times doors of opportunity opened up but that they were not always from God. Often times they were traps. He asked me plainly and simply, "Look at what God has asked you to do and do that. No less, no more, just do what He has asked you to do. Many times when God isn't speaking it is because He has nothing to say. If He has already told you one time He isn't going to keep repeating Himself. Abraham heard God every single time He spoke and in between times he didn't run around in a tizzy wondering what to do until He spoke again. And do not forget that there are consequences to stepping out of God's perfect will. If the Lord says, go ahead, I'll allow this to be My permissive will, you will miss out on many blessings."

I knew then, with the confirmation, what I was suppose to do.

After hearing the sermon below (I Am Not For Sale) the Lord showed so clearly that satan was trying to get me to sell out. He was trying to tempt me to step out of God's will.

You know I've always said that if I could be in God's perfect will I'd be happy and I would never long for anything else. But the testing and trials and battles do NOT stop just because you are where you should be. They continue on sometimes even harder because often times its just ole satan trying to move you.

Being on both sides, I'm not sure which is harder, not listening when God is saying move or trying to move when God says be still. Both are hard battles, especially when you aren't hearing clearly but once you do and submit and relax you can sit back and enjoy what the Lord has in store for you.

I continue to pray that I have a heart after God's own heart, that my desires be as His desires are and that I seek Him more and more as never before.

Thank-you Lord, for making things so clear to me, before it was too late.


Allie said...

Praise God for a wise hubby who listens to Him. I'm glad this is sorted out for you, Jenileigh....it's hard to know sometimes.

Truth For said...

Hey dear friend, thank you for your comment on my blog.

I SO understand this!

Jenileigh, as I read this I thought this sister is believing a lie! My precious sister you are pouring your life and heart into raising up godly daughters - there is NO higher calling for this season in your life.

When your girls are grown and gone you will have MUCH to show for it. You will have the knowledge that you have been obedient in doing God's will. You will have godly young women as a testimony to what God has done through your obedience.

Oh my precious sister there is nothing more valuable in all the world than what you are doing right now.

The enemy would want you to believe different.