June 6, 2012

Chit Chat

I think the reason that I battle weight so hard is because I gave up partying. I started smoking pot when I was 11. I was drinking at that age and having sex as well. Not proud of it at all but my past is what it is. Off and on alcohol and pot were my vices. I used them to get away from pain, to feel good and have a good time. I believe that because I used drugs for so long at such a young age and continued to as I grew up it affected my mental growth. It affected my way of thinking, my maturity, how I acted. Everything I done. Once I quit smoking cigarettes, pot and drinking I felt so proud. It took me several years to learn how to be straight. I know that sounds odd but I didn't know who I was. I had to figure out who I was without drugs and alcohol. When I figured things out I felt so free. I didn't realize at the time that I had turned to food as my vice.

I gained so much weight.

I ate when I was happy.

I ate when I was sad.

We ate as a treat to ourselves. Date nights. Family nights. Everything was planned around food.

We were very happy.

But we grew bigger and our health declined.

Honestly, I can handle the fat. But I feel so bad. I never have any energy. I am not healthy and I want to be healthy.

My personality follows suit of me wanting to get thin and healthy so bad that I start a phase. I diet. I exercise. I drop weight fast. That is one plus for me. Some people really struggle with losing weight. They do all the right things and still don't lose. Not me, I lose. When I'm in lose mode sometimes I actually think I can feel the fat melting off of me.

Then, one day I wake up. I feel tired, exhausted and starved. I want what I can't have. Rebellion hits. All of a sudden I've fallen right off of the tip top of my mountain plunging to the bottom, hard and fast. I eat everything I haven't had or wanted in months and I can't get enough. I eat all day and all night. I go on binges. One time I gained 40 lbs eating Krispy Kreme donuts. One time it was hot melted chocolate chip cookies. I had worked so hard to lose weight only to gain it by eating one food for weeks. Once it was chocolate chip pancakes.

I'm being so real here.

You can ask my husband and my children. They remember each binge. Each fall. They thought I had lost my mind. It was like my body did not stop craving that food until I had reached my previous weight.

Then the depression set in.

Why did I do this? I worked so hard for nothing. Well, who cares? I'm here, might as well enjoy myself. Then, over the next months or even years my lifestyle continues I continue to gain, so I wind up 10 or 20lbs heavier than I was before I ever began the diet.

Me, the human weight loss/gaining yo yo.

Up and down. Up and down.

Why can't I just make up my mind and DO something and stick with it?

Where is my commitment?

Well today, it's here. I've found it. What I have to work on is keeping it.

Chit Chat more later.

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